One More Option on the Table
Steve Bannon—who had served as the president’s brain, which had gone missing, until he gave the boss a kopfschmerzen, and was relieved of duty— opined in a memorable farewell address in The American Prospect, regarding the insoluble Korean nuclear crisis:
“Until somebody solves the part of the equation that 10 million people don’t die in the first 30 minutes from conventional weapons … There’s no military solution here; they got us.”
Not so fast, Bannon. You are ignoring the one option not on the table, playing the Trump card.
There is a Republican party tradition of former university presidents (Columbia U) running for President (in 1952) promising the voters in time of a Korean crisis, “I will go to Korea.”
It would be Eisenhoweresque if the former university president in our midst (Trump University, known in the academic world as Fuck U) now that he is running for office in 2020, similarly would be like Ike and promise “I will go to Korea.”
He would win even more votes by promising not to come back from Korea.
His usual bomb-throwing style— the threat of hitting North Korea with “fire and fury” if they don’t cut it out with those missile launches apparently was only partially effective with a missile over Japan instead of Guam— the president would be justified to say “No more, Mister guy.”
Time to unleash our ultimate weapon, the president himself.
I propose a face-to-face meeting with the leaders of the two powers threatening to end the world as we know it by rattling their missiles. Trump v. Kim will be like Godzilla against King Kong, a battle of hair do-s, unprecedented in modern diplomacy.
Not only is our boy richer, smarter, and taller, with the force of his winning personality and the powers of persuasion that made him such a great deal-maker, he will make Kim’s hair stand on end. Sitting down with the man he has called a total nut job, Der Donald will be able to explain in plain English the advantages of doing business with USA.
To broker the meeting, I would suggest the president call on the iconic American patriot, the one man the North Korean leader truly respects, Dennis Rodman.
As an ambassador without portfolio, but with basketball, Rodman could play North Korea’s national sport, hoops, with Kim and his generals and be more of a factor in peace negotiations than even Ivanka sitting by the president’s side.
In following Teddy Roosevelt’s carrots and the big stick, with the mightiest nuclear arsenal in the world, Team USA could put the following options on the table:
In exchange for warehousing its nuclear weapons programs, like Iran, the Trump administration might make the following commitments:
- Promise to build a Trump Tower in downtown Pyongyang, even taller than the Trump Tower in Moscow; operated by the Trump family group, profits shared equally with the Kim family.
- Build a Madison Square Garden in a city of their choice.
- Get him an NBA franchise
- Autographed Michael Jordan Nike sneakers for him and his generals.
All of which is an offer that could not be refused.
Failing that, the president might warn Kim and his generals that we are building a secret weapon, a giant magnet that will be aimed in the next parade at all the medals the generals wear even though they haven’t gone to war in 60 years.
As a pundit, I realize that I may be accused of taking the missile crisis lightly with these modest proposals. ‘Aren’t you scared of North Korea,” critics are asking even as they read this Pulitzer Prize winning commentary.
Frankly, I’m more worried about the president sending mash notes to the KKK.
And while I’m being constructive, and have my reader’s limited attention span, I ask, whatever happened to our CIA? In the old days, the agency could always be counted on to help Republican presidents out of sticky foreign policy situations with total nut jobs, all of whom seemed to be leftists. Sic transit Iran (Mossadegh), Chile (Allende) and Cuba. Remember the loaded cigars caper for Castro? We taxpayers are not getting our money’s worth from CIA and their bloated budget these days.
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Marvin Kitman
August 30, 2017