THE IDES OF JULY

Dear Mister President, sir:

My compliments, sir, the way you used the July Fourth celebration of the nation’s birthday to lock up the racist vote with all that “white power” nonsense. Ingenious, wrapping yourself in the flag of the Confederacy. You reminded our bros and sisters South of the Mason-Dixon of those lines from their childhood, “Shoot, if you must, this old orange head, but spare the stars and bars, he said.”

As I’ve said, it was smart of you coming to the defense of those sacred statues and military bases honoring mediocre Rebel generals, even though they were traitors, and would have been shot if not for those Republican Party softies of the Reconstruction Period. Four MAGA hats off, too, for your kind words in tribute to the Kings of Cotton who only used slave labor because it was good for business.

I tell you, Mister President, future generations will be naming babies after Bubba Donald, the greatest president the South has had since James Buchanan.

You already had the Evangelical Vote in your pocket, despite having tried their souls with that “Access Hollywood” tape about how as the Caesar of the celebrity world you had the right to grab any woman’s…whatever you said.

I’m not a rich man, sir, but I’d be willing to bet $1,000,000 of my Mississippi State Loan of 1838 bonds that you will win the South in November.

And now I see that you are going after the Egghead Vote. This might be a harder sell.

As you were telling Sean Hannity the other night, in a typically hard-hitting, probing interview, you’ve “aced” a cognitive test, a result you called “unbelievable.” For once, some people could agree with you, sir. They can’t believe it.

Even the doctors who administered the cognitive test were “very surprised,” you added for the Doubting Hannity, Tucker and Laura fans out there in Foxlandia.

If I may be so bold, Mister President, as much as I admire Fox News as the center of cognitive dissonance studies, it is not a good idea bragging about your passing a mental acuity test.

First of all, a lot of your voters don’t know what “mental acuity” means?

Is it something like “alternative facts,” the new math your people invented earlier in your administration?

They never did catch on that 2 + 2 could equal any number you liked.

They are still scratching their heads about the science of alternativity, before fact-checkers proved that a lie was the new truth. The more a lie was repeated the greater proof it was true.

Secondly, those MIT professors who you said never saw a scientific mind equal to yours, well, they don’t advertise how smart they are, especially when you began pushing the hydroxi pills.

If I were you, sir, I especially would stop claiming being the smartest president about American history. Your sermon on Mount Rushmore was filled with inaccuracies about our contributions to the world. Americans, for instance, didn’t invent the telephone (Alexander Graham Bell was a Scot) or the WWW. (Tim Brenners-Lee, UK).

Until alternative history is an accredited science, in the future you would be wise to have Melania fact check your speech. Behind every smart man, the old Slovenian proverb goes, is an even smarter woman.

Anyway, nobody likes the smartest guy in the class.

One other thing to worry about, Mister President, please check your calendar. It is the Ides of July15. My advice is don’t go to the Senate today.

Your role model in governance, Julius Caesar, went to the Senate on the 15th, and look what happened to him?

As the Caesar of Fifth Avenue, I will say this to you in Latin:

Et tu, Bill Barr?

The AG has a lean and hungry look. With friends like Bill Barr you don’t need enemies.

True, all of that took place in March, but looking at all who have been carried out on their shield in the Trump White House, you can’t be too careful.

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Marvin Kitman
July 15, 2020