SHOULD A SUNSHINE PUNDIT QUIT WHILE HE’S AHEAD?
Friends, fellow patriots, and to all others who I owe an apology for these “Trumponicles”:
Our peerless leader seems to have been reading my book, “Gullible’s Travels,” especially the last chapter, in which I was the first pundit to gloomily prophesize that he would threaten to delay or cancel the coming election.
Written almost two years ago, I risked my reputation by suggesting that for the good of the nation, the future of his Party, and his family fortune, he would boldly go where no president has gone before and find some threat to national security, such as the growth of Tik Tok, to shut the election down (See “Gullible’s Travels “Pp. 297- 302).
Of course, he couldn’t do that. The Constitution wouldn’t allow it. But that wouldn’t stop him. Even though sworn to uphold and obey it when taking the Oath of Office, it was a document he never read. And if he did, he didn’t understand it. Melania knew more about the Law of the Land.
Without meaning to seem like I am blowing my own flugelhorn, I also was the first to predict that he would make more false statements to the American people than any president in our history.
From Inauguration in January 2017 to July 9 of this year, he has already smashed his previous 20,000 record of making statements not supported by, or directly contradicts factual evidence, what was commonly known as lies. On that historic date in July, according to the Washington Post, he hit 20,055 lies, averaging about 16 lies, or misleading statements, per day. In his most recent10,000 lies, however, which took place in just the last 440 days, the president has been on steroids, with his foot to the metal, issuing about 23 misleading statements, or lies, per day on average.
My sources say his goal is to hit 100,000 by Election Day, if there is one.
I also predicted he would be first in having the longest audit of Federal tax returns in the history of the IRS, being first in paying off porn stars, and first in the days playing golf while in office.
On August 3rd, with more than 150,000 deaths by the virus concerning the nation, it was his 284th day of playing golf while in office, and his 377th day—more than a year—at one of his properties, at an estimated cost to taxpayers of over $138 million, or 330 years of presidential salaries.
Without meaning to be nominating myself for Pundit of the Year, I was the first soothsayer to predict that he would bungle any real crisis. Not like shutting down the nation because of Congress unwillingness to fund his Southern border wall, after Mexico refused to cough up the dinero, as he promised, I mean something like a pandemic.
I sometimes think he doesn’t even know what the word “pandemic” means.
As you recall, he was the leader in calling Covid-19 the flu, something that would “go away” in April. And if it didn’t, did he have a miracle cure to sell you! True to his word, there wasn’t a single case of malaria in the White House after he started taking those hydroxi pills. It wouldn’t hurt, either, to add a shot of household disinfectant to your diet.
I was willing to go out on a limb with a power saw and predict he would be the First Bungler in a public health crisis because of his track record of being a genius of a businessman, with only six bankruptcies to his name.
All of this omniscience could be just luck on my part. On further thought, it may be because we have the same kind of mind. Now that is scary.
The president has been called an idiot by people who have worked with him. Others called him a moron. I myself am on record calling him a cretin. What does this make me?
Every day, it seems, he does something totally imbecilic, making you question his mental fitness.
He has bragged, for example, about the results of his latest cognitive test. Not only did he pass it, but also he “aced” it!
(My sources say it included such questions as: What was the color of George Washington’s white horse? The correct answer is white, but alternative facts were accepted for this administration).
And then he displays his mental swiftness by calling Thailand Thighland. Or, as a leading scientific brain, continuing to blame testing for the increase in Trump Flu cases,
He may very well be the dumbest president we’ve had since James Buchanan.
I am summarizing all of these achievements as a pundit-in-training at the risk of breaking my hand while pounding myself on the back in congratulations because I am having my own career crisis.
Frankly, I’m starting to bore even myself being right so often. Why should I need to go on suffering the agonies of predicting what the First Imbecile will do next?
“These are the times that try men’s souls,” wrote Tom Paine, the Revolutionary War’s PR man.
True, but the only soul we are talking about in connection with this summer president and sunshine patriot are at the bottom of his bone- spurred feet.
Tyranny, like hell, Paine also wrote, is not easily conquered. In this hour of need, as the Republic struggles to survive a second revolution under King Donald the Mad and his bizarre behavior as our ruler, am I just a summer pundit, shrinking from the service of his country?
Faced with this dilemma, I will let the most important medium of fake news, social media, decide my fate.
1. Rest on my laurels… and move on to write about really important subjects like TikTok’s contribution to western civilization…
2. Or not be a summer pundit, do my duty as the greatest prognosticator since Nancy’s astrologer-in-residence in the Reagan White House, stay on the job as the First Imbecile spends the last 80 days of his administration doing a lot of crazy shit….
(Vote for one)
Vox Populi! Let the voice of the people be heard.
Augut 11, 2020