As Kitman Goes, So Goes…

 Creative Commons Licensed Image "Hillary Clinton's Team Approaches The Summit" by Donkey Hotey. Some rights reserved.

For the last few months, I have been under a self-imposed “Cone of Silence”—the same one my nominee for the next head of the FBI, Maxwell Smart, Agent 86, used in the intelligence thriller “Get Smart”—not wanting to unduly influence the election.

I have listened to the spirited and informative discussions of the issues by the candidates and surrogates, which had all the dignity and substance of a food fight.

As a pundit, I have adhered to our profession’s sacred code of behavior, regarding scrupulous objective and unbiased fair and balance commentary, following the Descartesian rules of logic, “I think, therefore I am wrong.”

Ergo, today I finally will spill the beans.

There is one proviso.

Barring another October Surprise in November, say Trump telling his supporters he really is a girl, a blatant attempt to win both women and the transgender vote, I am now ready to make a projection about how Kitman will go.

Ike would have liked the Republican candidate. Trump plays golf.

Scott Baio also liked him, at least in the Convention.

But Trump has some faults.

Hillary was my third favorite choice as a Democrat, behind Elizabeth Warren and the old Jewish socialist, Bernie the wild and crazy dreamer.

Before I go on, I want to establish parameters, the basic principles I use in judging candidates.

An honest politician is an oxymoron, which has nothing to do with Utah voters. There is no such thing as an honest politician.

Neither Crooked Hillary nor Trump the real estate gonif meets that criterion.

Another misnomer in the campaign has been the issue of trustworthiness. By definition, politicians are not trustworthy (Exhibit A, campaign promises).

“In God we trust,” Jean Shepherd used to say on late night radio, “All others pay cash.”

Neither candidate is money in the bank in terms of trustworthiness.

Both are proven liars. Trump has schlonged Hillary in the race to become liar-in-chief. He is the first candidate in the history of American politics of whom it can be said, when he opens his mouth, he is lying.

Both are impeachable. Crooked Hillary only has to worry being impeached for Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi; emails, emails emails; foundation, foundation, foundation. But Lyin’ Don could be the first man to become the Next President with 1,231 lawsuits pending.

Not to mention the federal tax fraud case the IRS will soon be filing, providing the agency is not shut down by Trump, the accountants sent south to serve as border guards until the wall is built.

Neither stays awake at night, worrying about where the next million is coming from, how to pay the mortgage, credit card bills, buying drugs for the sick kids.

And neither is going to get anything done after Election Day, regardless of their promises or lack thereof. Congress, for whom the nation is third in their hearts, will make sure nothing gets done to fix our problems.

I tell you, it’s a tough decision. Basically, 2016 has come down to a choice between the lesser of two evils.

At this point in time, I’m seeing a Crooked Hillary, a so-called corrupt, dishonest, untrustworthy politician of the old school against an inexperienced, hot-headed, dishonest, lying real estate developer, a dangerous lunatic with delusions of grandeur, who should be in a psychiatric ward where he can have a meeting of the minds with Napoleon, Hitler, Putin or Jesus about how they are going to fix the world’s problems.

If he’s elected, the first thing the country should do is lock up the silverware in the White House. The silver, plus the dishes and bath towels will wind up in one of the Next President‘s hotels or golf clubs, all of which will be donated to the National Park Service, and proudly join Trump Yellowstone and Mt. Trump Rushmore with a fat tax credit.

I gather, if he loses there will be riots in the streets of Coney Island. If he wins, it will be the end of civilization, as we know it. After one or the other outcome, the words of Louis XV are applicable: Apres moi, le deluge.

There could be less damage with Horrible Hillary.

I’ve probably watched too many Trump rallies. At the risk of being locked up for saying this, I will be voting for my third choice Democrat Hillary tomorrow.

And I will be voting often, thanks to being a citizen of New Jersey.

I always like to end these columns with an up-lifting spiritual note. Since I can’t think of any, I’m using the words of Dick Cavett:

“One good thing. At least the election results will answer the question: Is there a God?”

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Marvin Kitman
Nov. 7, 2016