A Short History of the Short Trump Administration
Creative Commons Licensed Image "President-elect Donald Trump - Caricature" by Donkey Hotey. Some rights reserved.
I will not be scrutinizing the results of the election. If you don’t already know how it turned out, look it up on Google.
I will spare you the details, except to say it was rigged. How else could he explain his victory with the minority of votes? So sad.
As a pundit, though, I can’t help but add that I know the secret of why she lost: not enough electoral votes.
Instead, I‘m going to cut to the chase. Here’s how I think it’s all going to go down:
But first a history lesson.
The record for the shortest administration is held by #9. William Henry Harrison lasted 31 days in office. Reading his Inaugural Address (8,500 pages, the record) on a cold, rainy day (3/4/1841) in Washington, without overcoat, gloves or muffler, he caught a cold, took to his bed, and never recovered (R.I.P. 4/4/1841).
#45 should live so long.
1.
The start of the decline began with the first meeting of #45 with #44. In the 90 minutes in the Oval Office, Obama must have told him what the job entails. Since #45 is not much of a history buff, it must have been a shock. The onslaughts of new information made him look numb at the TV press briefing, as if paralyzed by fear of the new road ahead. So sad.
Delivering the inaugural state of the future nation address on “60 Minutes” with Lesley Stahl of CBS News, #45 looked like he was sedated, walking back so many of his thrilling campaign promises that won the hearts and minds of his fans. They all love him. True.
Building the wall? Well, maybe it’s a fence. A cyclone fence? Not clear who will be paying for it at Home Depot.
Deporting 11 million undocumented rapists and drug dealers? Well, maybe only 2 or 3 million. So important.
Repealing Obamacare on Day One? It turns out he wants to keep the popular parts, without which the horrible Hillary health plan can’t be unraveled. A political nightmare. So duped.
2.
By Inauguration Day, his foreign policy in-box is filled with hostile nations’ provocations, testing his mettle. There aren’t enough nukes to hit them all. It’s not as easy as picking up the phone to order-in Chinese take-out.
His constituents are starting to be aggrieved. Beautiful people. They love him. But he is not living up to their expectations. All the problems are not being fixed on Day One. Or even Two.
Congress is being obstructionist as usual.
The airwaves are filled with charges of nepotism. The evil first son-in-law, Kushner, is serving as the president’s right hand brain. The whole family has been granted a blanket security clearance, including Barron. Melania is now in the cabinet as Secretary of English As a Second Language. And the Trump Blind Trust is meeting in the Trump Wing, formerly the West Wing.
The crooked media began discussing conflicts of interest with the reading of the last line of the Inaugural Address. The President has declared that what is good for Trump business is good for the country, citing the Charlie Wilson GM principle. Still, with 500 businesses in 22 countries, the Trump Family Blind Trust— established so the First Family could run the farm while the patriarch has a day job— needs a Seeing Eye dog to avoid bumping into conflicts.
1,231 legal suits against the president’s other life were already pending in the courts before Election Day, plus the new ones from the gropees who had received unwanted attention from the Casanova of the Republican Party. All lies. Looks so bad.
3.
Meanwhile, the swamps are being drained. Sarah Palin is nominated for the empty Supreme Court seat, although it was a toss up. Some thought she was more qualified to be our new ambassador to Russia, which she can still see from her porch.
The women’s movement was somehow not mollified by the hiring of White House veteran Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones as private secretaries.
The president is besieged in the Trump White House behind a 12-foot high steel wall (made in China), as the streets become increasingly filled with demonstrators from Ohio and Michigan. Nothing seems to have changed for the little neglected guys. Their lot is not improved.
Putin is still in the Lincoln Bedroom. While here on official state business—he was the first head of state to be invited —there has been a revolution in his home country. Coup leaders have accused him of being soft on capitalism, and he has asked for, and been granted, political asylum. Like Snowden in the Estonian embassy
I tell you, all of this has been enough to make a neophyte president tear his hair out. Well, not a #45.
4.
My theory is our man in Trump Tower (the official residence) wakes up one morning, looks at his mane in the bathroom mirror, and after a period of soul-searching, while putting on his socks, comes to a conclusion.
He is not yet ready for a career in politics. What does he need all this agita for anyway?
In a speech that will live in the annals of resignation speeches with Richard (I’m No Crook) Nixon’s, #45 tells the American people that he had but one lie to give to his country.
He had proved that any inexperienced, unqualified American could grow up to be president. So true.
Don’t cry for me, America, he will be proclaiming. He will be exploring his options. A number of better business opportunities had opened up, world -wide
“I may be running for premier of Russia, where I am so beloved. Believe me.”
On the other hand, he might enter the Witness Protection Program, which would require a new hair-do. Maybe not.
5.
For those of his fans who are concerned about #45’s place in history, I remind them that the crooked media made Gerald Ford (#38) the greatest president since #40 (Ronald Reagan, the first actor). That’s what the crooked media does.
His fans will never forget. “Remember the mane!” could be a popular bumper sticker.
I don’t want to get anybody’s hopes up with this scenario. The problem is when #45 becomes history, he will be replaced by #46. Mike Pence is worse, if that is possible. The moral of this parable is: Be careful for what we wish for. The cure could be worse than the disease.
We might all have to join the Save Trump Movement.
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Marvin Kitman
Nov. 18, 2016