HITTING THE PANIC BUTTON

Dear Mister President, sir:

First, I want to thank you for your heroic work in handling the flu pandemic. We never could have whipped it without the benefit of your medical expertise. Not only are you a great businessman, as you admitted, but you also have a head for scientific things.

I realize James Carville was saying the other day you are heading for a humiliating defeat. You are going to be the most humiliated president in history. So what if the category is humiliation. You will be number one.

It didn’t help the cause of good government, either, that the New York Times claimed you ignored an intelligence briefing in February warning that your friends, the Russians, were paying bounties for killing our troops in Afghanistan.

Sounds like the old dereliction of duty story, sir.

What those “sons of bitches,” as you referred to the press — how presidential can you get, I ask — in kicking off the 2020 campaign in Tulsa still don’t seem to understand is you don’t read. Reading is not all it’s cracked up to be.

And then there are the “phony, fake, voter suppression polls,” as you call the New York Times/Siena College poll that showed you are losing to Sleepy Joe by a mile. And he has been hiding out in his basement for four months, his take on the front porch rocking chair campaign of Grover Cleveland.

Your most trusted advisers, sir, are hitting the panic button — and missing.

Those smart Alecs want you to take a more disciplined approach. No more of this “White Power” thing, they are saying, just because it makes you sound like a racist.

Another Republican icon, like yourself, sir, President Lincoln said, “a house divided against itself can not stand.”’ Your critics think it’s a stupid way to increase the African-American vote; they don’t understand your strategy to deliberately divide the nation on issues like race, police brutality and justice for all, is your key to winning the House, and the Senate, too.

If it were up to you, Mr. President, we never would have gone to war with the South last time. There were some good people in the South. Besides, the war was bad for business.

Four MAGA hats off to you, sir, for having the courage of your lack of convictions, throwing oil on the Barbie fire that burns in the heart of your people.

Next, your other advisers will be suggesting you were a mask at the rallies. Don’t listen to them, Mister President.

You’re not one of those slimy chameleon politicians who will change his colors, and principles, just to get votes. Your core constituents look at you as that “shining city on he hill” Ronald Reagan was talking about in the 1980 campaign. Of course, it turned out he was referring to the dunghill.

Your people want you to be true to yourself. Who might those people be?

After four years of watching your performance as the Acting President in the reality TV show that your White House has become, I have been able to conclude that the people who believe in you are the same ones who watch and believe fake wrestling contests are real.

Your constituents are the same people who watch fake news, like Fox, pardon the redundancy, and a fake presidency. They are the ones who could look at the convention center in Tulsa on Fox and say it was packed.

They are the ones who like the way you talk, your simple language, the way you repeat thee same sentence three ways, so any idiot can understand it, never giving the details about how a policy will work. Facts can be confusing. It’s also OK that you lie all the time. At least, it’s consistent.

You’re well on your way now to getting elected for four more years, whatever those Southern crackers like Carville say, so you can continue to make America great again.

Ignore the other pundits. They don’t love their country as much as you.

If I have any advice on how to improve your campaign style, it is stop being so subtle. You are much too softly spoken and vague in offering your opinions. You could be a tad tougher and more direct in expressing yourself. And, for God’s sake, stop trying to appeal to the egghead vote, those people with IQ’s in the three numbers.

Your loyal fan from New Jersey (14 Electoral votes)

Your favorite pundit,
Marvin Kitman,
June 30, 2020