Will Trump Show Up Tonite?

 Creative Commons Licensed Image "Republican Fox News Primary Debate Lineup" by Donkey Hotey. Some rights reserved.

I like Donald J. Trump. He’s a nice guy. Never said a bad word about me.

Not since Republicans nominated Warren Harding in 1920, with his love for sitting around in smoke-filled rooms with friends playing poker, drinking whiskey, and looting the nation’s oil reserves at Teapot Dome has the public had so much fun following politics, usually considered a borrrrrrrrrring subject.

And it’s all thanks to Trump. He has made the debates an entertainment. And he has made them educational.

Especially now that I’ve been learning how to read his hand gestures. They are a kind of Braille for the politically illiterate, who follow Trump’s every gesture as gospel. When the hand moves this way or that, and the fingers point in the air, or whatever direction, they have definite meaning.

I’m working on the official handbook, a guide to the Trump hands, fingers and other body movements to help his many followers understand his every word or thought. Not that they need it.

As he explained the other night, turning his fingers into a gun, as we did as kids, he can shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue, and his followers would follow him. “They are very loyal,” he said.

As I said, he’s a nice guy, and I like him. By no means am I calling him a “Mussolini” with the waving hands and jutting jaw. That would not be politically correct. And it would be unfair to Italians.

Besides, Mussolini made the trains run on time.

There is no evidence in any of the debates or media interviews that he can make any of his proposals actually work, or even explain them.

He doesn’t give any details, just slogans.

I’ve never seen anyone get away with that in a presidential campaign. All those years on TV he’s learned how to connect with the public without saying anything.

“I’m going to create a million jobs.” Everybody cheers. “I’m going to build a wall. And Mexico will pay for it.” Good idea.

His idea of full transparency is to start with a declarative sentence. How will he make everybody as rich as he is? That’s a second paragraph. He doesn’t do second paragraphs.

He also believes the public doesn’t want details. They want unpredictability in their leaders. They like surprises, he says. And if he’s elected, we will get them.

As I say, I like Trump. He’s good to his ex-wives and kids. But for him to claim the media is unfair to him, one of the planks in his campaign platform! As much as I like him, this not only strains credulity, but gives it a hernia.

For months now, he has been a regular feature on the TV news, like the weather and sports.

As you’ve probably heard by now, Trump is boycotting the debate tonight on Fox on the grounds Fox News has been unfairly toying with him. For evidence, he cites a PR release on Twitter. It read in part, “… that Trump has his own secret plan to replace the Cabinet with his Twitter followers…”

That was the last straw. Count him out of the debate.

I happen to believe the full Fox Twitter review (you can look it up yourself) was the best media analysis of the campaign.

He also refused to be interviewed by Megyn Kelly, the moderator. “Because she is a lightweight.”

Nobody likes to criticize the possible next president of the United States, but compared to what? All those “blonde bimbos,” as Trump might refer to the press corps, the flyweights, bantamweights, and no-weights, the anorexics that travel the news show circuit like Stepford Wives. But there I go again, asking for a second sentence.

There are those who believe Trump is having an infantile temper tantrum over a press that has never given one candidate such overwhelmingly overcoverage. It may be an insight into his future conduct when Putin and the Ayatollah treat him unfairly making deals.

Instead of pundits like me unfairly assessing this campaign, it may require a child psychiatrist.

I like the debates with Trump. It’s hard to imagine what they will be like without Trump. The other candidates might be able to discuss each other’s programs for solving our problems, and why we should vote for them.

As this is being written, we don’t know if Donald will change his mind, like a four year old, and show up. Will Fox have an empty spot on the stage for him?

A better idea would be to hire the actor who plays Trump so well on “Saturday Night Live” (Darrell Hammond) to stand in for the real thing. He can make his faces and wave his hands around like the original thing.

I realize this might be making a mockery out a debate. But how can you make a mockery out of what already is a mockery the last five times of these so-called debates.

Trump doesn’t need to take advice from me. However, given all the money the media is saving him with wall- to- wall coverage, should he lose the nomination, he might consider buying a major league baseball franchise. Lease his name – the Trump Mets? --and hire himself as the third base coach. They also use their hands a lot.

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Marvin Kitman
Jan. 28, 2016