THE FIRST HURRAH
“I lay all this while, as the reader may believe, in great uneasiness.” – Jonathan Swift
A lot of fans of “The Trumponicles” and other popular features on “The Marvin Kitman Show” (fully accessible at marvinkitman.com), documenting the coming of the Visigoths to our shores, have been wondering whatever happened to the author? As one put it on Facebook the other day:
“ Marvin Kitman??????”
Had he been given the plum job of interim ambassador to Upper Volta as a reward for all the nice things he had been writing about the president?
Had he been taken hostage by “Bikers & Police 4 Trump in 2020?”
Had he been carried off the battlefield on his shield and is recovering in the old pundit’s mental hospital?
Thank you for your concern. The correct answer is I have been on what is known in the trade as “Book Leave.”
“Does ‘Book Leave’ mean you are taking time off from your column to read a book?’ asked Myron Kandel, the best financial analyst & commentator in the history of CNN.
In my case, it means that I am hard at work on my next best- selling book, “Gullible’s Travels: A BIG Book About small People” to be published by Seven Stories Press in the spring of 2020.
It’s the exciting story of one man’s adventures in Gullibleland. For the first time, the public will be able to read the private journal he kept on the 2016 presidential election, focusing on the Republican Party nomination and election campaign, a Run for the Roses that made a mockery of our sacred electoral process, culminating in the first two years of an administration that will go down in the annals as “The Unmaking of the President 2016-18.”
A chance to follow a leading gullible pundit‘s journey down the rat hole with The Gang That Couldn’t Loot Straight! Re-live the exploits of All the President’s Felons, a rogue’s gallery whose portraits (above) may have appeared on your Post Office walls. All led by the Boss, the most inexperienced unqualified POTUS ever to serve his nation, the Don, the hair, the hands, the twitter feed, and the brain that went missing after the reading of the Inaugural Address! Mister Republican, the first con man, the first in cheating the Republic, the first to swear to uphold the Constitution that he had never bothered to read, the man whose two favorite isms are nepotism and communism. Not to give away the plot, he was not the author’s first choice.
It co-stars Chris Christie, the hero of the 56 “ Christie Chronicles,” whose life in politics is the libretto for a tragic Italian opera, titled “Il Fatso,” a sad account of how His Rotundity, the man who coulda been president, if not for a traffic study at the George Washington Bridge.
And who can ever forget Stormy Daniels (FULL DISCLOSURE: The author is chairman of the New Jersey bipartisan citizens committee supporting “Stormy 4 President in 2020”)? She is still the only one in the race who can claim, in all candor, she beat Trump with a rolled up leading business magazine with his picture on the cover, a new fetish even the Marquis de Sade hadn’t thought of. Tiny Trump, as she pinned the tail on the donkey in the epithet race that is politics today, helped finance her campaign with hush money.
The cast of characters also includes Vlad the Poisoner, the ex- KGB killer, the partner in a heart-warming diplomatic broromance, without which none of this would have happened.
+ Rudy Giuliani. America’s mayor, America’s perennial failed candidate, America’s Lawyer, Il Rudy who made a fool of himself defending he president’s lies.
+ And the cast of thousands in the so-called base, the 34.9 % of the electorate who the presidential candidate said he could shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue and they’d still vote for him.
I couldn’t possibly go out the door without cutting to the chase, as they say in the movie biz where “Gullible’s Travel’s” may some day wind up with Donald Trump playing Donald Trump.
Now I realize I’ve said this 11 times so far. But this time it’s true. I’m willing to bet my reputation as pundit that the president’s days in office are numbered.
You can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. Whether its impeachment, 25th amendment or resignation, it’s always Pence at the other end. Well, I didn’t say this was one of those happy- ending Hollywood movies.
Here is how I predict it will go down:
Before the end of the six House witch- hunts, as POTUS calls the hoaxes that began with the Mueller probe, a senior respected member of the Congress –if there is one – will go to the Oval Office, and say, “ Mister President, sir, it’s over.”
This is the Barry Goldwater scenario that ended the Richard (I’m No Crook) Nixon Republican crime drama classic of the 1970’s.
“You have destroyed the Republican Party,” the elder will explain. “You have turned it into a Communist-front organization. If this be treason, sir, let’s hope nobody notices.”
It will be explained to the president in the course of a closed door “Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?” consultation, that the most important things in his life are:
1. His golf game; 2. His Swiss bank account; 3. His family’s not winding up on food stamps; 4. His freezer filled with enough taxpayer McDonald’s ready-to-go to last a lifetime.
Twelfth on the list would be preserving the Constitution and the Rule of Law
Without urging from party leaders, the president then will go on national television and deliver a farewell address. He will take credit for making America great again, even though it already was pretty good.
The only reason he is stepping down now, he will explain, is because of doctor’s orders. A combination of bone spurs and high cholesterol makes him a threat to the nation’s security.
We shouldn’t worry about his future. He will be exploring his other options, such as building a 100- story Trump Tower in Moscow. As a public service, his Trump Foundation also will be raising money to erect a wall on the Southern border. And the good news, as it will be explained to the voters, there is no reason, constitutional or otherwise, why he can’t run for president again in 2020 as the favorite. After all, he will be the most experienced candidate in the race.
Fellow patriots, and friends, my last words for a while to you who have been a source of inspiration, Buy the book. (“Gullible’s Travels” Seven Stories Press, spring 2020).
Good night and good luck, amigos.
March 19, 2019