Battle of The Mall

Crowds at The National Mall view the inaugurations of presidents Barack Obama, 2009 (left) and Donald J. Trump, 2017 (right).

I have been watching with growing fascination the game our chief executive is playing with the press, which, as he says, is the most dishonest, corrupt media, as I gather, since the invention of movable type by Johannes Gutenberg in 1439.

There is nothing new about the game. Blaming the media always seems to be the bedrock of Republican Party policy about serving the public.

In the insane asylum that is the new improved America the beautiful and the mentally and ethically-challenged, watching the game for fans of good government is the second favorite indoor sport, next to reading the commander-in-chief’s Twitter postings.

What is astonishing about this season is the players seem to be on steroids.

The rules for the game, popularly known as “Fire, Fire, Liar’s Hair is on Fire,” change from election to election, like Mah-Jongg rules.

Here is how it is being played in this championship season:

Player # 1 (Full disclosure: I still can’t call him president so when you see a “He” or “His”, it refers to you know who) says something like “I won the election by a landslide,” what HE means is losing by almost three million votes is a landslide.

Player #2, the dishonest crooked media, says, “Not so.” The corrupt media clings to the notion that “a landslide” was more like FDR’s victory over Alf Landon in 1936, with an electoral vote of 532 -8.

Player #1 says the crowd attending his inaugural was the largest inaugural crowd in history. “Massive,” he says ‘A million or a million and a half.”

That was easy for him to say. But Player #2 disagrees. The crooked corrupt media displays pictures of crowds from previous inaugurals. It looks to the naked eye, or even partly dressed, the crowd estimate by Player #1 is not exactly true.

Once upon a time, pictures were ipso facto taken as true. One picture was worth a thousand lies, or however the olde saying went. But that was before Photoshop. So who knows?

Now the game gets even more exciting. According to the latest revised rules, the first player to lay down a lie is free to embellish.

Player #1 can then say his vote numbers may seems less than his horrible opponent’s by a few millions but millions of illegal immigrants (three to five million, to be exact) were voting for horrible Hillary who should still be locked up, if there was any justice.

The dishonest crooked media (Player #2) says no evidence of claimed voter fraud has been found. Player #1 partisans say, look harder.

Not quitting while they are ahead in their own minds, Player #1’s corner goes to work, changing the rules again. What they meant to say is Player #1 had the largest viewing audience in history.

The medal for massiveness is seconded by Player #1’s press secretary. And while he’s at it, the secretary of truth again sticks it to the dishonest media for being dishonest.

The controversial claim in the battle of the mall was then thirded by the leader of Player #1’s truth squad, who proclaimed the latest rules book change in this year’s most amazing contest in virtual veracity.

As Kellyanne Conway, administration senior counselor, explained to Chuck Todd on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” “Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave alternative facts.”

Veteran Todd, who has heard it all, demurred. “Alternative facts are not facts. They’re falsehoods.”

Shaking his head, as if this was a historic moment, Todd speculated about the new math. 2+ 2 equals five is an alternative fact? Alaska does not have snow? Deserts are not dry?

“Don’t get so dramatic,” said Counselor Conway, a leading candidate for this year’s Josef Goebbels prize in alternative journalism.

The latest lie in the game will have long legs, judging by Player #1 previous record in liemanship. His alternative fact about the previous president’s being born in Lapland or the Planet Mungo ran for two years. Even after admitting he may have been wrong, the president was a legitimate citizen, he assured fellow Birthers his people were still digging through records out there somewhere. As a bonus he threw in the alternative fact that it was all Horrible Hillary’s fault in the first place.

I tell you, by the time the game is over the Current Occupant or Resident of the Oval Office will be able to look in the mirror, as he combs his hair, and asks who is the greatest liar of all? My bet is that he will be acclaimed as our all -time liar-in chief.

To be fair and balanced, I can only say there is nothing in the Constitution against the use of alternative facts in running the United States Asylum, as the alternative “USA” acronym might come to be translated.

In the meanwhile, as I go out the door on hiatus, one of the unexplored islands in the Great State of Hawaii, I leave it to the metaphysicians and logicians in our midst to explain how there can be more than one truth, which was supposed to set us free?

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Marvin Kitman
Jan. 26, 2017