A typical American family watching the President on TV

I was appalled and disgusted by the number of presumably loyal citizens who didn’t watch the State of the Union address last week. Where was the respect for the highest office in the land?

There were mitigating circumstances.

A number of the absentees were still asleep from the Stupor Bowl thriller two days earlier.

Some were following doctor’s orders. Watching the president on TV can cause acute stomach pains and nausea. Public health advocates believe his appearances should be added to the FDA list of most dangerous and addictive substances.

Others consider him Putin’s president. Das vendenya, comrades!


As a public service, and in the interests of a well-informed electorate, I gave myself the honor of serving as Designated Viewer. (Full disclosure: I do not regret trying to do my small part in enhancing President Plump’s reputation as a world class orator and a champion of truth, justice and the American way.)

Herewith a sampling of my observations:

With all due respect, the president’s performance was offal.

The most boring State of the Union, since the last one, it was a pep rally without the pep. I fell asleep three times during the first half when he was taking credit as the Great Unifier.

By the time he was listing his achievements in foreign policy, it reminded me of those speeches Politburo leaders gave to the Central Committee of the Congress of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union where the importance of a speech was measured by its length and how many vodka toasts could interrupt it.

The 82-minute SOTU, the longest in history, wasn’t our president’s shining hour.

Nevertheless, it was a valuable learning experience. You got to see and hear what he sounds like when he is nervous.

What could he possibly be nervous about? Well, it could be the six witch hunts being launched by the new, unimproved (in his unbiased opinion) House of Representatives, those “partisan, ridiculous investigations,” any one of which could throw his children in the clink, or his Impeachment, either or both.

Beyond “the unlimited presidential harassment,” as he calls Congressional oversight of the executive branch, as required by the Constitution, still to come is the final report by the Mueller team. Despite his “nyet collusion” assurances, who knows if the Mueller people might find a president listed in the KGB pay book as “Agent Orange?”

Not to mention the un-American crazed Democratic witch hunters are starting to work on finding His Orangeness’ missing tax filings. The search for the Holy Grail is easier.

Following the Rubles may raise questions about the remarkable number of Russian kleptocrats with ties to Putin who have bought condos in Trump Organization properties in New York and Miami. The family is said to have already earned 300 million US off the top on penthouse suites sold to the oligarchy even before Trump Tower in Moscow is built. All of this may be coincidental.

I was disappointed Donald Wallbanger didn’t announce that yes, the wall will be built on the Southern border, a big beautiful wall made of Legos. A simple, fair, humane, cheaper solution, first proposed by Prof. Nick Johnson of the University of Iowa College of Law, Legos are a staple in every American home, often under foot. All real Americans would be willing to donate their surplus used Legos, which would keep the nation as safe as any other more expensive material.

All real Americans, regardless of party affiliation, to avoid another stupid shut down would even be willing to donate their Lincoln Logs.

Once again the President of Some of the People All the Time assured us we have nothing to fear about North Korea’s nuclear threat, but fear itself, which is sill quite a lot, given he personally claims having vaporized the threat by his friendship with the other fat man, Chairman Kim.

My favorite part of the speech was the president’s going nuclear in his attack on the menace of SOCIALISM!

I knew what he meant. I grew up in the days when my Republican Party leaders used to denounce FDR”s New Deal as pure socialism or impure socialism, I forget which. Either way, it kept me awake at night thinking of the dreaded Social Security.

And who will ever forget the AMA (American Medial Association) warnings about socialistic Medicare, endorsed by the super-patriotic NAM (National Association of Manufacturers).

As Donald the Red raved on about the dangers of socialism, I could almost hear the cheers, breaking out in the Kremlin TV den:

“USA … USA … USA.”

Or maybe it was:

The real star of the evening, in my humble opinion, was Nancy. She deserves some sort of award for her reactions during the speech. Mime of the Month? Best Grimace by a Supporting Actress?

We’re lucky she didn’t accidentally throw the gavel at him.

Respectfully submitted,


Marvin Kitman,
Designated Viewer
Feb. 10, 2019

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.