ARE YOU READY FOR THE STATE OF DISUNION MESSAGE?
Everybody knows 45 is the greatest president, some believe even better than Lincoln who got us into a war. He is the smartest businessman, despite his four bankruptcies! The best negotiator, whose idea about the art of the deal is to insult the other person on Twitter every morning! A foreign policy authority that knows more than intelligence agencies! And the greatest wall builder since the Ming Dynasty!
These are some of the achievements the president will be mentioning tomorrow night, which I am summarizing in this Cliff Notes version of the address for those who will be missing the performance tomorrow night on CNN at 9 because they are still asleep from the Super Bowl thrilling snoozefest or will not be watching as a protest.
The SOTU address “in Nancy’s house,” as CNN promos describe the House of Representatives, was delayed a week because of some irregularities in “the best run administration in history,” such as the 35-day shutdown caused by the president over finding a few billion to build the wall.
A temporary delay, POTUS will argue tomorrow. As Sen. Ev Dirksen said in an earlier financial crisis: “A billion here, a billion there…pretty soon you’re talking about real money.”
The speech is part of the president’s farewell victory concert tour, which began two and a half years ago, concluding in 2020, hopefully, some would say. It interrupts a brief weekend visit to his hacienda in Florida, the fabulous Fort Mar a Lago, where on a clear day you can see the Southern border.
As you recall, in the most serious threat to our national security since the Mexican-American War of 1847, the commander-in- chief already has deployed 4,500 standing Army troops to protect the nation from being infiltrated by Central American rapists, murderers, criminal street gangs, drug lords and other terrorists, including women and children, crossing a border that apparently has as many holes as Swiss cheese. President Plump had taken the weekend off for some R&R at his Alamo to recover from serving as president, whose arduous duties include1) taking vacations; 2) playing golf and 3) campaigning for a second term, which he began with the reading of the last line of the Inaugural Address in 2017.
Nobody likes the smartest guy in the class, but I further predict that a well rested with a perfect orange tan POTUS will come down the aisle tomorrow night, led by the Sergeant-of-Arms and his Mace, as a self-proclaimed conquering hero, vanquisher of the Nancy & Chuck axis and the Democrats who favor opening the doors for all those greaseball hordes who will mar the country from sea to shining sea.
There will be tears in the eyes of Trumpista Republican legislators, chanting, “Build the wall”… “ Build the wall.”
In the bedlam, the anti-Donalds might be heard chiming in “Lock him Up!… Lock him up!”
A lone voice or two also might revive the old Republican slogan from the second Obama “ State of the Union” address: “He lies!”
In His Orangeness’ mind, such as it is, he is Horatius, the army officer in the ancient Roman Republic who defended one of Rome’s most famous bridges over the River Tiber (the Pons Sublicus) against the Etruscan invaders in the Sixth Century. The trumpets blast can be heard as the courageous and brave leader of the Roman army singlehandedly turns back the enemies of the people Etruscans. While wounded in the buttocks, below his armor, Horatius dives into the Tiber and swims back to Rome and a hero’s welcome.
If only there was a Thomas Babington Macaulay to write a stirring ballad of Tiny Trump at the southern border in the spirit of Macaulay’s “Horatius at the Bridge.”
The true story— not the fake news version with its biased fact- checkers and truth-compulsives—would make the script for the greatest political action thriller of the century. The base could serve as a cast of cheering thousands, while waiting to work as the crowd scene in the next remake of George Romero’s “Land of the Living Dead.”
I better stop this encomium for the best president we have, lest I further mislead archivists of the next century who stumble on this riveting promo for “The State of the Disunion Message of 2019.”
Despite my reputation for perspicacity, I will be watching President Agent Orange’s performance on CNN tomorrow night anyway to see if he has come up with something even more stupid than the last shutdown.
Feb. 4, 2019