President Wallbanger Addresses the Nation

President Wallbanger addresses the nation.


Everybody‘s in favor of a stronger border, except criminals, rapists, murderers, drug-dealers and other terrorists who are walking with their children for weeks through the jungles of Central America to reach our Southern border. That barrier seems to be a colander that potential threats to our national security can easily slip through, despite all the border security, agents, standing army troops, choppers, drones, the best amazing electronic surveillance devices that money can buy already installed.

What we have here is a crisis, real Americans have been told and believe, a national emergency that only a big beautiful wall, formerly made of thick concrete that Mexico would pay for, but now steel slats, can fix. So we can stop immigrant desperados from polluting a once drug-free zone called USA!

This was the picture President Donald Wallbanger painted for those of us loyal citizens who answered the call to interrupt our Saturday of fun and games to hear the latest urgent state of the disunion message from the Oval Office.

It was a media event, like the senior counselor late at night telling young campers, huddled around the blazing campfire, ghost stories that would scare the heck out of them before bedtime.

Not all of my fellow Americans showed up for the latest grisly tales about what is happening to our nation without a big beautiful wall. Some have heard more than they ever wanted to know about how mighty once strong America the beautiful has become a 95- pound weakling because the Democrats won’t give President Wallbanger his wall. It’s as if the only thing left for use in the war against legal and illegal immigrants is atomic weapons.

As a patriotic American, I am a fan of the presidential fireside chats. I was taught to respect the office of the presidency, regardless of party, creed or IQ numbers. Besides, there was always the chance the latest bugle call to We the Cable People of America would tell us something new in the war to end the shutdown that is making America look like some banana republic.

True, the first pre-emption of regular programming on commercial networks (1/14/19) to alert us to the crisis was disappointing in terms of delivering anything concrete except blaming the Democrats for the shutdown, for which the president had already taken credit.

The second emergency address made me feel like the gullible in the adage:

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

One more and I’d be a member of The Base.

I appreciate President Wallbanger’s need to be on TV on a dreary Saturday afternoon. It would take his mind off other distractions such as a wall closing in on him by the Mueller and Congressional investigations over the Russian thing. And it’s not as if TV news isn’t giving his every Tweet the coverage he thinks it deserves.

It would have been worth my time if “the major announcement” on CNN had been something along the lines that the Russians had decided to build the wall on the Southern border—to show gratitude for all the things Donald Wallbanger had done to make Russia great again.

The blueprint of how to make America a colony of Russia has been emerging the last two years by throwing NATO and other allies under the bus, while embracing Vladimir the Great. The shutdown has weakened Wall Street while the nation’s laughing stock has risen. His North Korea…His making Canada a security threat…Wallbanger is the best thing to have happened to Russia since the 1917 revolution brought down the Romanoffs.

The Russians are good at building walls. And Vlad could pay for it. He has managed to put away BILLIONS in Swiss banks for a rainy day the old- fashioned Russian way: By stealing it from the people. To express their solidarity, each oligarch in Putin’s gang would be obligated to chip in another billion or so from their ill-gotten gains. Six billion for a wall is borscht!

But why go on.

It’s beyond my pay-grade to know exactly how all of this might come to pass.

But I do know President Wallbanger’s major announcement that he would be giving DACA and TPS immigrants a break isn’t a game changer. He is only giving them some of what he originally took away. Big deal from the greatest deal-maker!

Somehow I feel like a sucker in all of this. As P.T. Barnum said, one of us was born every minute, and as we go in 2020, so goes the Republic.



Marvin Kitman,
Jan. 21, 2019

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.