A Royal Whodunnit?

The Infamous Anonymous Op Ed in The (Failing) New York Times

Our king is mad. He is running around the White Castle like a crazed monarch out of a Shakespeare play, bouncing off the wall, seemingly unhinged, as one of his most trusted advisors has described him. Even more important than making America great again, ending nuclear threats, or building a wall, the question that is driving him absolutely bonkers is who wrote that load of crap last Wednesday (Sept. 5), that cowardly drivel in the anonymous Op Ed piece in that sniveling yellow journal, the New York Fake Times?

Since it’s a national security issue, as the King declared the next day, and he has empowered the Justice Department to conduct an official state-sponsored witch-hunt, as a patriot there is something I want to get off my chest:

It was I, your liege. I wrote that load of crap that seemed to indicate something was less than satisfactory about your administration’s conduct of our affairs. I did it. I wrote that despicable poison pen piece of pusillanimous journalism under my nom de computer, “anonymous,” anon., for short.

If you don’t like this theory, I have another: it was Pence. Or Your Majesty’s hairdresser.

It also could have been that Alabama country lawyer, the former respected senator you are humiliating every day just because he had the cotton-picking notion to do his duty by recusing himself in that Russian thing since he was a member of the gang that couldn’t loot straight.

Or maybe it was Melania.

As a loyal American, and a fellow Republican, I understand your problem.

You have a low threshold for criticism. Anything less than unstinting praise is painful. I have the same problem as a pundit.

The anonymous Op Ed shout out that so pained you was the equivalent of a message that I received in an Upper West Side Manhattan Szechuan restaurant the other night: “Help, I’m a prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.”

It didn’t matter that chief executives have been known to take umbrage at newspapers’ honest reportage in the past. One of the original floundering fathers, John Adams, pioneered the heinous un-American Alien & Sedition Acts aimed at curbing the press.

It didn’t matter that this yellow-bellied, lily-livered screed in the dishonest failing Times is allowable under the Constitution, a document second only to The Congressional Record on the King’s DO NOT READ list.

Far too wordy, especially that Bill of Rights thing. The only part he likes in his Cliff Notes version is the second amendment.

Taking fire from the press is part of the job in a democracy, as painful as it may be.

A favorite parlor game for fans following what the merrymakers at the funny farm the executive office has become in the reign of this odious POTUS is postulating other theories about the identity of “anonymous.”

By analyzing writing styles, some arm chair cryptologists are fingering Huntsman, our loyal ambassador to Moscow, who may be drugged by the King’s fellow tyrant Vlad the Great to retaliate for sanctions imposed.

Ignored is gifted writers can write in more than one style for profit or secrecy. Look at all the “Robert Ludlum” thrillers by the king of paranoia since his untimely death.

Future scholars might well be studying King Bonehead’s Twitter account to determine who really wrote all that crazy shit.

While I have your attention, sire, I would keep my eye on your vice president as an alleged perpetrator.

Why did he do it?

God made him do it, the Indiana Alter Boy, might argue.

With all due respect, the heavenly father, mother or both (transgender) might be having second thoughts about the wisdom of telling the Faithful it was okay to support a sinner who violated every commandment, except Honor Thyself.

The holier than thou Number Two is the only one who has a motive for knocking our Odious POTUS further off his rocker. True, he doesn’t have that far to go. Still Pence has the most to gain when the king is carted off to the loony bin, under a 25th amendment coup.

For the good of the King’s health, and for the nation’s, it would behoove the president’s senior advisers, all of whom are now under a cloud of suspicion, if they would all step forward enmasse and say, “I did it. I wrote that disgusting Op Ed piece as a public service.”

Of course, King Blowhard might fire all 250 of them for restoring sanity in the swamp kingdom. Firing people is what he likes best at the job that came to him as if by miracle after his previous gig in reality TV.

But, hey, that’s showbiz!

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--
Marvin Kitman,
Sept. 10, 2018
 

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.