How I Almost Had Lunch with the Vice President

Trump Sings

For only $1,000 a plate fans of Vice-President Pence were invited to a private luncheon last week (Aug. 10) at the exclusive and gated Baltusrol Golf Club (est. 1895) in Springfield, N.J., a fund-raiser for Jay Webber, the Republican candidate in the hotly- contested 11th Congressional District, just down the pot-holed road a piece from my 9th CD.

Not only would diners get a chance to press the flesh of the Honorable Hooter, I mean Hoosier, from the great state of Indiana, but a photo op was thrown in.

For $10,000 to $25,000, you could get one of those grip –and-grin Selfies suitable for hanging in the TV den or corner office, giving the impression you and the vice-president were old friends, as if we had gone to Talmud Torah together as kids.

It was an opportunity I was able to pass up. I’m still kicking myself.

It would have been a chance to congratulate old bud Mikey, who in my opinion is the best vice president we have, on going where no vice –president has ever gone before with this space command thing. Creating an all-new improved sixth branch of service was the most visionary Republican policy initiative since Newt Gingrich favored establishing a moon colony, a possible 51st state, as I recall.

I forget all the details of Newt’s brainstorm launched in his 2012 presidential bid, but it still seems like a good way to solve our immigration problem: send all incoming aliens to the colony for heavy screening and background checks, before getting green cards, a way to discourage emigration even better than a wall.

Call me unpatriotic, Mr. Vice President, while the space command thing might appeal to all the space cadets in the millennial generation, if they ever voted, not to mention all the aliens who landed here in the 1970’s in Roswell before relocating in LA, but it’s another budget buster gimmick, like that tax cut thing. As one of those young fogeys who remembers when the GOP favored balanced budgets— back in the days when a trillion was real money— at this rate the country will be declaring bankruptcy and posting a “going out of business” sign.

Not that there is anything wrong with that in the opinion of the president’s friends, the Russians. Marx predicted capitalism would whither away.

But what I really wanted to discuss with our vice president is the religious thing. When nominated in 2016, he explained he was “a Christian first, a conservative second and a Republican third.”

We are one nation under God, as it so states in the Pledge. How could She or He or Transgender allow so many of the Heavenly Father’s children support a man with no apparent moral compass?

Well, nobody is perfect, I guess.

Still, it is a conundrum that has puzzled me since Ioway, as they call it.

The Iowa caucus in 2016, all the other pundits were saying, will be dominated by Evangelicals, for whom the caucus was a must not miss event, like watching the Super Bowl, and God knows Evangelicals tend to stick together like fly paper.

I bet the home schoolers and bible thumpers, and the other holier than thou folks, would never vote for a thrice-married sinner, an industrial strength prevaricator, a real estate flim flam artist, a man who is a bigot, a pathologically narcissistic, political schizophrenic, misogynist, ethically and morally bankrupt, hypocritical, vain, draft-dodging charlatan!

If I’m wrong, I wrote, I would sing the Ioway state song the morning after the caucus. (*)

* (The words, sung to the tune of “O Tannenbaum”, in case anyone wants to belatedly join in:

You asked what land I love the best, Iowa, tis Iowa, The fairest State of all the west, Iowa, O! Iowa, From yonder Mississippi’s stream To where Missouri's waters gleam O! fair it is as poet's dream, Iowa, in Iowa.

See yonder fields of tasseled corn, Iowa in Iowa, Here plenty fills her golden horn, Iowa in Iowa, See how her wondrous parries shine. To yonder sunset's purpling line, O! happy land, O! Land of mine, Iowa, O! Iowa

Nine other stanzas follow.)

I lost the same bet on the Evangelicals in the South Carolina primary and the general election.

But all of that is ancient history

What still perplexes me, sir, is the latest polls—instruments of the devil and fake news— still indicate your co-religionists stand by the man who makes a mockery of family values and all the other verities we hold so dear.

A pastor was saying on Fox News the day the fake news broke the revelation that the First Sinner was lying again about a relationship with a member of the adult film community: “Evangelicals still believe in the commandment: Thou shalt not have sex with a porn star “

But Robert Jeffress of First Baptist Dallas explained, “Evangelicals knew he wasn’t an alter boy.”

My question, Mr. Vice President: will your fellow co-religionists ever wake up and smell the sulfur, fire and brimstone? Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, the Lord of the Dung – all four of them— are in the White House! Will your folks ever lose faith in the First Fornicator?

And while I have your attention, sir, as some other people of good conscience have already done, have you ever considered resigning for moral and ethical reasons too numerous to cite here?

Come to think of it, maybe it was a good idea that I didn’t cash in a few CD’s and go to the lunch. Why ruin a good meal for the best vice president we have, so help us, God!

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Marvin Kitman,
August 16, 2018
 

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.