A Controversial Solution to The Great Collusion Debate
Taking advantage of my special relationship as a pundit who has written so many nice things about the president, from time to time when the spirit or events move me, I conduct a very private correspondence with our commander-in-chief, an example of which I am now leaking to a handful most trusted readers before it is put on Twitter.
Comrade Trump, if I may be so bold as to address you by the honorific used by our friends, the Russians.
Let us assume—and since this is still a free country, the Constitution guarantees the right to make as many assumptions as I like— that there was nyet collusion in your election in 2016. Congratulations, by the way.
You said so yourself in Helsinki, as well as many times before (917 times, according to an unofficial count, as of June 12, 2018). Ergo, it must be true.
The subject of our private conversation today, sir, assuming there is nyet collusion, what is in the nyet collusion for you?
Your administration is GREAT, as you have written. Better than the first hundred days of FDR’s! And that was before you accomplished anything, compared to the next 1,000 days.
You already are the only president enshrined in the WWE Hall of Fame, the highest honor in professional wrestling, along with Nikolai Volkoff, who would often thrill the crowd by singing the Russian national anthem, even though he was Croatian.
I am happy to say you have never sung the Russian national anthem, at least in public, a possible challenge given your problems with our national anthem. Despite your patriotism, either you forgot or didn’t know the words to “The Star Spangled Banner,” which you tried to sing at the Georgia Bulldogs v. Alabama Crimson Tide College Football Playoff National Championship (1/8/18).
Furthermore, you are the most popular president in Russia since FDR, who gave the USSR billions in military aid. Of course, that was during World War II when the Commies were on our side, losing 22 million people, fighting Hitler and the Nazis.
Enough of this blowing of your horn.
Is it worth, I ask, ruining your reputation as the best 45th president we ever had by sticking to the nyet collusion theory?
Let us assume it is not.
Let us also assume that everybody, except the base or total idiots, pardon the redundancy, believes there is no truth in the nyet collusion proposition.
And let us assume that for the last 18 months it seems like you are hiding something.
“Whaddya gonna believe, me or your own eyes,” as Marx (Groucho) first said.
What could you possibly be covering up, the majority who did not vote for you might well ask?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but here is how it all went down:
You ran for president in 2016 as what we in the satire biz call a caper, a stunt. The premise: could an inexperienced, unqualified citizen with a nice head of hair run for the highest office in the land and, God forbid, win?
It would be research for your next autobiography, which Dick Cavett once told me was titled “My Kampf.” Or even the scenario of a movie. A horror movie.
Meanwhile, back at the Kremlin, our political neophyte fell in love with the leadership qualities of the democratically-elected (98% of the vote in a one-person election) President Putin, while he was looking over the talent in “Miss Universe” pageants, which he owned. The ex-KGB thug Putin was conducting experiments with new cyber warfare tools, which the Russians liked to claim they invented, along with radio, the airplane, synthetic rubber, the steam engine, the locomotive, the electric light bulb, penicillin, the harvester combine, the Antarctic continent, and baseball.
Could the Politburo’s scientific geniuses, by utilizing most trusted social media sources of misinformation, affect an American election, something the Communist Party (CPUS) had failed to do at the polls with such legendary Stalinist presidential candidates as Gus Hall and William Z Foster in the 1940s.
The reason so many of the satirical candidate’s campaign staff and family members were making all of those trips to Russia during the campaign: setting up deals with oligarchs, which they could cash in after the election, which surely their man would lose.
Incredibly, the total fool candidate won the nomination, beating 16 of the Republican Party’s best and brightest—but the election, too!
Go know, as they say in Russian.
It was as if you, Mister President, and Commissar Putin had won the lottery.
There was no post- election strategy plan to deal with the embarrassment of victory. That’s why your team looked like The Gang that Couldn’t Loot Straight. How stupid could they be, lying to the FBI! Six have already been indicted or pled guilty. Eventually the whole gang will be locked up, including Jared, Ivanka, and the most corrupt cabinet since the Warren Harding Administration.
But all of that is ancient history.
As bad as it looks now, tovarich, it’s going to look worse once the Mueller investigation is completed.
You can continue being a Stakhanovite liar adding to the world record for saying “nyet collusion” — or you can try a new approach. It’s something I call telling the truth.
What do you have to lose? Maybe a few shaky rubles, not getting to own the tallest building in Moscow, which can be used by Putin opposition candidates accidentally throwing themselves off the roof. Or those golf clubs in Siberia.
Come clean with the American people.
Look, you can explain, it’s not your fault you won. Blame the Some of the People who wanted an abysmally stupid president. with no idea what he would do should lightning strike.
The base will still love you. You are the Messiah of the Republican Party, the conservatives’ wet dream, the man who finally gave conservatives all three branches of government, especially a Supreme Nine that bats from the right side. At last, they are doing away with all those silly regulations so we can have polluted air and undrinkable water.
The faithful following the Trumpian No Nothing religion never believed that Russian thing, anyway. Whatever shortcomings of electing an ignoramus POTUS, they said “so what.”
And remember the truth will set you free. You will be able to get on with the business of making the rich richer, the poor poorer, and adding a fourth face to Mt. Rushmore. Whatever.
August 8, 2018