A Pundit Sits Corrected

“America’s Mayor” (Attorney Rudolph W. Giuliani) and his short-fingered client (President Donald J. Trump) in happier times.

“America’s Mayor” (Attorney Rudolph W. Giuliani) and his short-fingered client (President Donald J. Trump) in happier times.

I owe my readers an apology.

The other day I said a few good words about Rudy Giuliani’s debut as the president’s lawyer du jour. He seemed to be introducing a new concept in discussing administration issues. At the risk of ruining the president’s reputation for favoring alternate facts, or lying, Rudy was introducing something called the truth (See “The Trumponicles” No. 15, 5/3/18).

In a media blitz last week, America’s Mayor appeared to be on cable network news as often as commercials. On Fox News, for example, he was a guest on “Fox & Friends” and “Hannity,” for those who wanted a full range of opinion in the news.

Clearing up the confusion about the Stormy Daniels case, the president’s crusading new lawyer, in effect, admitted for the shy president he had shtupped the adult film star, had paid hush money via complex financial transactions resembling a campaign expenditure, wrecking the carefully engineered defense by his legal predecessors, protecting the client from eventually winding up in the clink.

His Honor, the former Mayor of New York, seemed to be off-message, as they say, by telling the truth.

I was not the only one who seemed surprised by the candor.

He got his facts wrong, an alarmed president was saying by the week’s end. “Virtually everything has been said incorrectly,” he wrote for the Official Record (his Twitter page). “And it’s been said wrong or it’s been covered wrong by the press.”

Apparently, a mix up had occurred because his lawyer was new on the job. “He’ll get his facts straight,” the offended client promised.

Well, I was wrong about that truth thing. As bizarre as it sounded, suddenly coming out of the damp fog of the swamp, I took the lawyer, a former Federal Prosecutor at his word. I am embarrassed. What was wrong with me, anyway?

What had happened, as I gathered, somewhere between his swearing in to tell the whole truth, and nothing but while serving as mouthpiece for POTUS, a malfunction had occurred. It was as if the truth part of the administration’s brain had rusted out, from non-use, and, to use the technical word, fratzed out.

Either the party of the first part or the second party had forgotten to ask their doctor if Prevagen was right for them. But not the president’s first physician, the one who proscribed Propecia for thinning hair, which led to Trumpistas thugs breaking into the physician’s office, and seizing medical records, as if it was legally copasetic.

Whatever.

By the Sunday morning intellectual ghetto talk shows, the reprimanded presidential lawyer was able to dismiss the rumor—ignoring it was his own rumor --about Trump’s payment to Stormy. On ABC’s “This Week,” Rudy was free to say he couldn’t speak to whether the president lied to the American people when he denied knowing of the silencing agreement. And not only that, there could be other payments for his client’s romantic interludes.

Furthermore, there was nothing wrong with the president taking the Fifth. There was no way he would be walking his client into perjury, like that ninny, Martha Stewart.

It turned out Counselor Giuliani did not seem to know the president was not that major a fan of the Bill of Rights. While he was a big supporter of the Second, in his opinion the Fifth wasn’t that necessary. “The mob takes the Fifth,” he explained in one of his campaign commentaries on the Rule of Law, “If you’re innocent, why are you taking the Fifth?”

I’m worried about the all-new, improved, fueled with sodium pentothal Rudy 2.0. During the 2016 Republican presidential campaign that he lost, he often looked when screaming like his head was going to explode. The new model on exhibit currently has exploded.

It could be due to his third divorce from his third wife, the registered nurse. A third divorce is traumatic, as Trump will be finding out soon. In his new prestigious job as counselor to POTUS, Rudy is acting more like the early Goofy in the Walt Disney cartoon series (the shingle, as I recall, read Goofus D. Dawg, counselor-at-law) than the most diligent trustworthy honest prosecutor since Tom Dewey. A man who single-handed wiped out car window washing as a profession on the streets of New York, Il Rudy as Mayor was such a law-and-order guy he would send a jay-walker to prison.

With his credibility reduced, if that’s possible, and the president’s habit of treating legal staff like Kleenex, the stay in the White House for the Goofus Giuliani may be limited. But working for the real estate gonif may not be that financially rewarding, judging by the number of his employees who were unpaid for their services.

My theory is he is actually auditioning for the job as Melania’s lawyer in the 2021 divorce. She has been humiliated enough by her husband’s irresistible charm as the First Groper. Hell hath no fury like an Eastern European supermodel scorned. My sources say they would be astonished if Rudy hasn’t already engaged the services of Tito’s former secret police in getting to the bottom of the mess in the Trump troubled household.

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--
Marvin Kitman,
May 8, 2018
 

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.