IF HE ONLY HAD A BRAIN

Doctor of Thinkology

A lot of people I know are puzzled and dismayed by the president’s recent behavior. There is a certain inconsistency.

He manages to say one thing in the morning on his daily State of the Nation Address on Twitter, say, the need to raise tariffs on certain countries, and the opposite in time for the evening news.

He favors getting out of Syria, but is sending in more troops.

He is aiming sanctions at seven oligarchs, 12 companies they own or control, 17 Russian government officials and a state-owned arms export company, while considering inviting Vladimir the Horrible to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom, the culmination of the warmest romance with the Bolsheviksis since World War II when they were killing the Nazis at Stalingrad.

Is this seeming incoherence in policy designed to confuse our enemies, as well as innocent bystanders, like our friends? Or could it be the president doesn’t realize there is a contradiction in logic or content? Or he just doesn’t remember having said the first thing, based on what he had heard that morning on the TV news of record (“Fox & Friends” on Fox News), and later hearing something different by supper-time? A perplexed nation might well wonder.

I am not surprised by any of this.

As it was reported, the president’s brain is missing. A usually reliably informed source, this column, (See The Trumponicles” No. 4) explained it went missing the day he finished reading his Inaugural Address, which he said was witnessed by the largest audience in the history of addresses. It was seen flying over the Washington Monument, making a right turn at the CIA headquarters across the river in Langley, before heading towards Moscow.

The presidential gray matter is now reportedly in a glass case in the State Russian Museum, formerly the Russian Museum of His Imperial Majesty Alexander III in Saint Petersburg. Reminiscent of those visiting the body of Lenin, long lines of local democracy fans are said to be paying homage to the man known as the Muscovite Candidate in the 2016 election.

Is it an authentic brain or a fake brain? Craniologists are suspending judgment until authenticated by the FBI or our other 16 top intelligence agencies, none of which can be trusted, according the brainless president.

Significantly, the White House still has neither confirmed nor denied the loss.

But I digress.

In the absence of a brain, the president has switched to making decisions, as he explained, through his gut. The commander-in-chief is no longer thwarted by advisers who seemed to know what the presidency traditionally entailed. POTUS is doing it his way.

His idea of the presidency is firing people and writing for Twitter, whatever crosses his stomach.

What seems like a new policy initiative-- such as singing the praises of “beautiful clean coal” in Western Pennsylvania where the mines are not re-opening, as he predicted---may only be gas on the stomach.

He is happy now as a clam, he says, being his true self. What did he need advisers for, any way, when he has his son-in-law, Jared “Brother Can You Spare a Dime” Kushner, who multi tasks things like solving the Palestinian question, while soliciting money from Arab nations to Make Kushner Co. Great Again.

His other sterling quality is changing his mind substitute. As if out of the deepest recesses of his alimentary canal, forgetting his campaign promise No More Stupid Wars, he hires as an adviser Field Marshal Bolton, despite his funny mustache, a man who never met a problem could not be solved by another war.

This is not to say the president did not have early cognitive deficiencies, described by the technical term “dumb as shit” before his brain went missing.

Furthermore, should a man not playing with a full deck have been elected or allowed to remain in office with his revolving door policies, which could lead to the end of the world with one accidental fluke nuke attack while the idiots in Congress are busy sexually harassing their staffs, whatever? That is for another transmission.

All of which is by way of introduction of a great honor bestowed on the brainless president.

He has been awarded the coveted Ray Bolger Foundation Prize, the so-called Scarecrow Trophy, as the over achiever of the year! Only the second president in this century, the other being W so honored for starting the 17-year-old Iraq War!

The citation reads, in part:

(Scarecrow) I could wile away the hours Conferrin’ with the flowers Consultin’ with the rain And my head I’d be scratchin’ While my thoughts were busy hatchin’ If I only had a brain (Dorothy) With the thoughts you’d be thinkin’ You could be another Lincoln If you only had a brain…

(Note to brainy readers: Feel free to hum along)

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--
Marvin Kitman,
April 8, 2018
 

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.