This is the third in a series of non–blogs, or letters as I call them, in which I explain and salute my latest career move, becoming a born again Tea Party Republican. Don’t prosecute them, I now say, join’em.

Who Said We Didn’t Have an End Game

My fellow Americans, Patriots!

First, I want to thank you for attending this rally of small or no –government fans, freedom fighters, friends of sedition everywhere.

Secondly, I want to congratulate ourselves on beating the rap for our last caper. Shutting the government down! Holding the country hostage for 16 days is a major achievement. Not even the Symbionese Liberation Army was able to achieve that –even with Patty Hearst.

Fortunately, the Justice Department must have confused the Smith Act with the cough drop people, the black bearded brothers, Trade and Mark.

Thirdly, I am glad we have our next presidential candidate. We don’t have to listen to all those TV debates to make up our minds. It’s Ted Cruz for President in 2016!

They say he is making a mockery out of governance since he came to Washington. But what do you think all those other clowns in Congress are doing?

Now I realize that Ted is something of an egomaniacal fruitcake, and some of his ideas are a bit Bolshie. But look what he’s accomplished in his first year on the job. For three weeks, the country teetered on the brink of economic catastrophe. He cost the country $24 billion. He put 800K Americans out of work, affected the lives of millions.

I’m not here to say anything bad about Ted. Everybody knows he is as dumb as a doorpost, but no more so than the average American voter. He knows nothing about economics, climate control, environmental hazards or foreign policy.

But what many of you probably also don’t know he is a Manchurian candidate, a mole inserted in the Republican Party. Who would do that?

Why those wealthy guys in Chicago who made billions off the commodity exchange when Clinton was in power. Those Lake Shore Drive thugs are writing checks for Ted. They want him to run and destroy the Republican Party for good.

And while they are at it, they are also writing checks that finance the Tea Party.

But we don’t mind.

We also want to destroy the Republican Party. Those yellow- bellied, compromising Establishment Republicans are only worried about tee times on the golf course. They won’t even let Tea Party members in their country clubs, anyway.

Every time those dingbats have a chance to do something about returning the party to true reactionary conservative economic values, some one stands up in caucus and says, “No, we’ve got to extend anti-abortion laws.” And it’s over the cliff again.

Republicans haven’t done anything good since Rutherford B. Hayes stole the election of 1876 from that Democratic crook, Samuel J. Tilden.

Those old farts running the party don’t know the Party is over. They are still putting lampshades on their heads, dancing on the tables. They are like the last guests who don’t know its time to leave when you’re trying to get to bed.

Enough of this wonky talk

What the country needs now is a Tea Party Party, a party with a solid agenda. The first order of business in its first hundred days for a real TPP, for example, is not to defund Obama Care, but to defund everything to do with health care. Stop all this taxpayer-funded medical research, with those nerds in their white lab coats, staring into microscopes or out the window. And most of all stop Medicare. We don’t need doctors and hospitals. We need prayer. We need God, and more of it.

That’s why I am announcing today my support for a new renamed Tea Party party. Everybody knows third parties always fail. That’s why I favor calling it the America Fourth Party.

Out of the ashes, will rise a new Phoenix, Tucson and maybe even Dallas.

The time is past for old-fashioned notions like compromise, majority rule, and those bromides like “My country. May she always be in the right, but my country, right or wrong.” That’s madness! That’s how we got into so many dumb wars after World War II. Money down the rat hole, I say, saving the rest of the world.

If everybody would listen to me, and my fellow patriots, and do what we say, the country would be in a lot better shape.

Patriots! Avanti! We have so much to do.

Vote America Fourth!

Marvin Kitman
Oct. 25, 2013

The writer is a Lincoln Republican who ran for President in 1964. He lost.