Trumponicles: The Last 120 Days, Part XI
IS THE PRESIDENT’S BRAIN MISSING?
In defense of our POTUS, who sometimes seemed to be a burger short of a Combo Meal, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, not playing with a full deck and other euphemisms to explain his seemingly dimwitted bizarre behavior in the first 1,000 days of his administration, there are reports the President’s brain is missing.
A usually reliably informed source explained it went missing the day he finished reading his Inaugural Address, an event which he mistakenly said drew the largest audience in the history of Inaugural Addresses.
Every morning around 3 AM, as the President clicks on his Twitter feed, according to the informed source, his brain mysteriously flies out a window in the White House East Wing. It has been sighted flying over the Washington Monument, making a right turn at the FBI Building, before heading East by Northwest across the river over the CIA headquarters in Langley, and was last seen heading towards Moscow.
There have been sightings of strange objects in the skies over Washington. Like UFO’s, the government has suppressed them for fear of alarming the public.
A similar circumstance happened during the Reagan administration. The business of government under President Reagan, the first actor, who thought he was spending eight years on location, making a movie, was conducted by Attorney General Meese, aided by First Lady Nancy and her super star Hollywood astrologist.
There is no doubt a brain is useful for a president in the performance of duties, next to fingers needed for announcing policies on his Twitter feed. As another iconic American* has said it:
With the thoughts you’d be thinkin’ You could be another Lincoln If you only had a brain…
In this brainless president’s case, he had switched to making decisions, as he explained, through his gut. He was happy now as a clam, he said, being his true self, having fired all of his smartest advisers.
The missing Trump brain, sources say, is currently on exhibit in the Moscow State Museum’s Hall of Heroes, ensconced in a glass case along with Khrushchev’s other shoe that he banged on the rostrum at the UN during the Cuban missile crisis, Stalin’s mustache, and the ice pick that settled the doctrinal dispute between Trotsky and Stalin in Mexico City.
Reminiscent of those visiting the body of Lenin, long lines of local democracy fans are said to be paying homage to the man who was idolized as the Muscovite Candidate in the 2016 election, and the favorite in 2020 for his achievements making Russia great again.
Recipient of The Order of Honor, one of Russia’s highest civilian awards, the president’s brain, sources say, made an unannounced appearance on the Politburo balcony during the last May Day Parade in Red Square. The Putin-Trumpskaya Mutual Admiration Society is also sponsoring a parade in honor of the president’s gray matter, knowing through KGB intelligence of his love of parades.
While all of this was happening, there was talk among White House staff of mounting an urgent search operation for the President’s missing brain, but the idea was dropped. The consensus was that since no one had noticed any difference in the President’s mental powers, rather than causing a nationwide panic the White House staff would do nothing and hope that whoever reponsible will eventually state their demands, if any, or simply return the missing object to its owner.
The performance of President Four More Years in these last days of his first administration seem to confirm his brain is still missing.
How else can it be explained that a chief executive with access to 17 of the most brilliant intelligence agencies in the world did not seem to know about the dangers of talking to a Bob Woodward?
Only an absolute idiot without a brain would tell a man like Woodward anything other than the time of day.
In the most famous phone calls since the perfect one with the Ukrainian president that led to his impeachment, President Brainless gave 18 to Woodward, a notorious blabbermouth, well- known for not being able to keep a secret.
Not since the president’s two hour closed door meeting with his best bud Vlad the Poisoner in Helsinki, without note- takers and translators have so many state secrets been disseminated by an Acting President.
One of the most shocking, as Woodward reported, the president knew all along the virus was not just the flu. Covid-19 was deadly. He was just kidding it would be gone in April. He thought the truth would panic the American people, hurt his chance of getting four more years to make America great again, even though it already was pretty good. Lock downs, everybody behind masks and social distancing would ruin his rallies, or whatever else ran through his brainless head.
So what if almost 200,000, some of whom wore MAGA hats, had to die as “the greatest war time president,” bungled the war against the pandemic. They were the suckers and losers, weak pussies, or whatever else he thought of those who fell while battling the Trump Flu.
Significantly, as of this writing, the White House still has neither confirmed nor denied the loss of its national treasure.
NEXT: MORE ON LIFE WITH A BRAINLESS PRESIDENT
September 15, 2020
* Dorothy Gale from Kansas to the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz: