THE HIATUS PORT REPORT
I am on Hiatus, a slacker paradise in the Sargasso Sea, where pundits go to rest their brains that have turned to vegetable oil in the hot sun of the sizzling performance of POTUS, trying to figure out WTF is going to happen in the declining days of the Trumpian experiment in democracy.
There are members of the punditocracy sequestered here in beautiful downtown Hiatus Port who are out there where the buses don’t run.
Without naming names, for example, one of my colleagues claims Michel de Nostredame, better known as Nostradamus, predicted President Trump in one of his famous “Les Propheties,” a collection of 942 poetic quatrains, allegedly predicting future events. It mattered not that Nostradamus passed away 500 years earlier.
As readers of my new book, “Gullible’s Travels,” that chronicles my journey in the land of Gulliblesylvana, a democratic country ruled by 34.9 percent of the people, a minority better known as “the base,” found I have had remarkable success in projecting the events of the last 3 and ¾ years. Call it luck, or a gift, or a curse, I have gone where pundits rather not go.
As a public service and as a bonus for loyal fellow travelers, here is my latest Tweet from Hiatus Port (@HiatusPort) summarizing recent achievements in the field of predictive pundication:
1. I predicted he would be renominated.
2. In the greatest speech in the history of acceptance speeches, I predicted President Four More Years would come out in favor of law and order. First in lying, first in having the longest tax audit in the history of the IRS, first in having the most members of his inner circle indicted or jailed DJT had no problem in courageously declaring himself the law and order president. First president to do that since 2016!
3. President Law and Order also promised to save us from the American Carnage, which he had caused. It may have been the same American Carnage he promised to end in 2016.
4. As predicted, with all due false modesty, President It’s Not My Fault saluted himself for winning the war against CoVid-19, aka The Trump Flu.” While he was at it, he promised a vaccine before Election Day or sooner, tested by the innovative Trump scientific medical protocol: it won’t kill you! So what do you have to lose?
5. He Who Alone Could Solve All Our Problems, I predicted as another example of my talent as a proclaimer of presidential pigmyism, would officially declare the 2020 election rigged, despite lack of evidence such as actual voting.
6. By Executive Order, Election Day will be delayed due to national emergency. Attorney General Barr will report intelligence agencies unmasked a plot to harm POTUS. Somebody had put poison in one of the president’s MacDonald’s hamburgers. Hand of president’s best friend, Vlad the Poisoner, suspected.
7. Voting would take place on or after Christmas Day, a gift to the nation from the most magnanimous misunderstood maligned president in history.
8. He would be the first of the candidates to claim victory, even though election is declared too close to call by fake news AP and other radical left –leaning fascist agitator anarchists Biden-loving Democratic Party maniacs in control of the nation’s misinformation.
9. President Law and Disorder demands a recount, nation-wide, vote-by-vote, hand count. Computers, he claims, are rigged against him. He won’t make the Al Gore mistake for the good of the nation letting the courts decide.
10. Minority president elected by some of the people for all the time vows to remain in office performing his duty until final vote count certified by White House staff lawyers.
11. Supreme Court rules keys to Oval Office must be turned over to new occupant after three months of counting ballots.
12. He fires the Court.
13. Moscow Mitch, on instructions from Kremlin commissar for USA Internal Affairs, has sent Senate on recess for rest of year.
14. While right wing militias, including some fine people, battle left wing anarchist Democratic maniacs in the streets, goal of first Trump administration of total chaos is achieved. Military takes over.
15. Fox News says it’s a coup by Godless socialists, the worst kind.
16. President Don’t Blame Me is carried out of Oval Office with his desk and phone to South Lawn, where he continues waiting for the late results from Cook County in Illinois.
17. Young Colonels, led by Vindman Twins issue a manifesto: “In order to achieve a more perfect union, it has become necessary to form a new improved better Second Republic… with a Constitution that would protect the people and the Republic from another Trumpista presidency.
18. The nation is left to ponder the significance of those great lovers of democracy--the military- stepping in to save the world’s greatest democracy like some kind of Third World banana republic.
I better stop all of this prognosticating before I wind up in what Dave Marash of New Mexico public radio calls Trump’s pundi-tentiary. There is always the hope that I MAYBE wrong about some of this. Maybe.
Cassandra Nostradamus Kitman (or, as some like to call me, Cassa Nostra)
September 3, 2020