In my extensive eloquent coverage of the weighty aspects of our President Avoirdupois’ incumbency, (See “The Trumponicles” Vol. II, Episode 2), it has come to my attention that a number of subscribers have been complaining that I seem to have forgotten all about my other favorite somewhat weight-challenged iconic political figure. What had happened to Chris Christie, they wanted to know?

Before I go on, for those who don’t know whom we are talking about, here is an image of the ex-Governor of our great state of New Jersey, who recently attended the unveiling of his official portrait in the Statehouse in Trenton:

Chris Christie and his official portrait (not)

Photo Courtesy of Steve Brown

Woops, that may be the wrong one.

You may remember him anyway. Our brontosaurus—the state’s official Jurassic period fossil of record and governor shared the same name-- was the star of “The Bridgegate Follies,” a hit news show about the state of governance and the abuse of power in America, which mesmerized the nation for two years (2013-15) and affected the presidential election of 2016.

As you recall, it began with a traffic study initiated by the governor’s staff, which asked the question:

What would happen if we closed down two lanes at the Fort Lee entrance to the George Washington Bridge, the busiest bridge in the nation, during the morning and evening rush hours for a week--just to punish a mayor for not endorsing the governor in the last election?

The study’s thesis predicted it would create the mother of all traffic jams.

And they were right!

Instead of being hailed for its innovative scientific inquiry, courageously going where no governor’s office had gone before in the field of advanced traffic studies, and being awarded the state’s coveted Four Cones Award for major contributions to traffic scholarship, the Christie administration’s reputation, as they say in New Jersey, hit the fan.

It led to multiple state legislative investigations and federal trials of the alleged perpetrators (See “The Christie Chronicles” Chapters 1-55) that became a staple on cable news, especially MSNBC, totally ignoring a San Francisco bridge scandal, where sections of the span were falling due to corruption.

It was a demeaning scandalfest of partisan lane closings, politicized traffic jams, crony appointments to bi-state authorities and other nefarious acts. Disgusting!

There were those who blamed His Immensity, as the governor was also known, for telling his henchpersons to do it. I was not one of them.

It didn’t seem to matter that the governor’s role in the cock-up was investigated and exonerated by a prestigious New Jersey law firm. True, it happened to be the governor’s personal law firm. Once you start impugning the integrity of your prestigious law firms, who would be left to fight against injustice in New Jersey?

If anything, somebody was guilty of violating the law of unintended consequences. Like Galileo being persecuted by the Vatican establishment for that silly gravity hypothesis.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you I am chairman of The Committee to Change the Name of the George Washington Bridge. As the only living co-author of the Founding Father [See “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington & Marvin Kitman, PFC (Ret.)]” it behooves me to say we are appalled by the dragging of the general’s good name through the mud of New Jersey politics.

There is no record of the general having given written or oral permission for the edifice to be called “George Washington Bridge.” No royalty payments are being received. This is adding financial injury to the insult of his name becoming a symbol of corruption.

The Committee prefers that henceforth it be called “George Washington Bridget” in honor of the real villain (Bridget Kelly) in the Fort Lee caper.

But all of this is water under the bridge, so to speak.

Well, what really happened to Chris Christie anyway?

It was as if he had fallen into the Sixth Dimension, or into one of those big potholes in the roads he wasn’t getting paved while running for president in other states. Either way, it would have been a thud heard around the political world.

Had he been given an ambassadorship for his support of President Plump in 2016 in one of what he called those ‘shit hole countries” with names Tiny Trump can’t remember like Namibia?

No White House …no Veep…no attorney general.. No Secretary of the Inferior… no chairman of the commission to study cholesterol? How’s he going to pay for that stately mansion in Mendham?

The only time we hear about the man who could have been president in 2016 is when there is an investigation of Sandy rebuilding funds misuse.

I tell you it’s enough to make a man turn to popping a few of those M&Ms he always kept in his pockets for emergencies on the presidential campaign trail. He is not the only man in New Jersey who eats when depressed. As we in New Jersey know, nothing beats a few Oreos to fight the blues.(*)

I apologize for dropping the torch in the fight to rehabilitate Chris Christie’s good name. Let the dearth of mirth end

NEXT: The Christie Chronicles, Chapter 56.

FOOTNOTE (*) Oreos are a medically known antidote for the blues. The least President McDonald’s Whopper could do is get his old eating buddy a NIMH foundation grant to prove it.


Marvin Kitman
Dec. 8, 2018

Marvin Kitman’s next book is “Chris Christie’s Expense Account.”

Public Domain Photo of the George Washington Bridge by National Park Service Photographer Jack E. Boucher from Wikimedia Commons.