Water Under the Bridge

Okay, let’s cut to the chase.

Our governor has a credibility gap that is bigger than the Delaware Water Gap.

The media won’t give him a break. Why, he doesn’t even get credit for it not snowing at the Super Bowl last Sunday.

At the risk of flogging a dead Brontosaurus, the folks at MSNBC, among others, are counting down the minutes with a ghoulish glee waiting for the first –and last –piece of incriminating evidence.

With the truckloads of confidential communications and other documents flowing in to both the Legislature and the Federal inquiries, what are the chances of something indictable not turning up? You know, something from the governor’s Ipad or Smartphone, like, “You’re goddam a-fucking right. I told those clowns to shut down the bridge. Those commie progressive liberal lefties kike, Koreans and Jap bastards in Fort Lee should suffer. This is what leadership is all about.”

Or something shorter, a response to “got it”: Straight ahead on red?” Whatever.

What are the chances of one of his loyal trusted people on Team Christie — the Subpoenaed 18 — looking for a deal, not blowing the whistle?

I’m not a betting man, but Hot Horse Herbie on Hackensack Plank Road in Weehawken, says it’s not a good bet.

The governor is one smoking email from the jig being up.

In the immortal words of Rep. Cohen of Tennessee, delivered on “The Steve Kornacki Show” on MSNBC last weekend, “he is toast.”

When that smoking email turns up, he will have two options: Face impeachment or resign.

An impeachment trial will dig up the shady side of the street. As one of my sources explained:

Next time you’re in the B&N, pick up a copy of Double Down and check out what Christie’s fellow “moderate Republicans” came to think of him, once the Romney campaign vetted him for Veep in 2012—pp. 352-353. The key lines are at the end, from the Romney aide — Ted Newton — in charge of the process: “If Christie had been in the nomination fight against us, we would have destroyed him—he wouldn’t be able to run for governor again. When you look below the surface, Newton said, it’s not pretty.”

Resigning is the honorable way to bow out. Look at Richard (“I’m Not a Crook”) Nixon. He died a revered elder statesman.

The governor is a smart guy. He will resign.

I don’t worry about Christie’s future. He’s a lawyer, and can always get a partnership at the respected New Jersey law firm of Misfeasance, Malfeasance and No-Feasance. Or even join his buddies and beneficiaries at Wolf and Samson. He can lobby for his favorite real estate developers.

He might even get to take over the David Wildstein Chair of Transportation Science at the Port Authority where he can finally throw his weight around and do something for the state’s self-image by changing its name to Port Authority of New Jersey and New York. That would be only fair after a half-century of its being the other way around.

All of this is predicated on His Rotundity not going to prison. Felons are barred from practicing law.

Another fascinating aspect of the case, which might have failed to catch the attention of journalists who do not watch “Law & Order” and its many spinoffs: “Gov. Christie was a Federal prosecutor,” as a legal beagle, reminds me. “A finding of significant ethics violations against him in Bridgegate could give Federal prisoners the opening they need to reopen their case in a search for prosecutorial misconduct.”

Who knows how many guys in orange will get a “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

As I say, I’m not worried about the guv. If nothing else, he can always get a gig dong Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig commercials, should he finally be able lose those 50 big ones.

Like the Jersey Shore, Chris Christie will rise again. But what about our great state?

If he resigns, the lieutenant governor will replace him. You remember that ditz, Kim Guadagno, who started the Hobokengate scandal, trying to shakedown Mayor Dawn Zimmer in the Shop Rite parking lot? To call her a lightweight is to disparage all other lightweights.

The solution to the problem is to have both resign at the same time. It’s a package deal the state couldn’t refuse.

Then we draft Dawn Zimmer to serve as Governor.

Rather than the traditional costly often-fixed elections, she could be elected by proclamation. Admittedly, it is a bit unusual, but the rules were bent when His Rotundity proclaimed the need for a special election three weeks before Election Day so balloting for Corey Booker for Senator would not diminish his coronation.

Is all this legal? This is a question for a higher pay grade.

Governor (pro tem) Zimmer would serve until 2016. If she isn’t indicted, or a safe doesn’t accidentally fall on her while crossing Washington Street in Hoboken.

The lesson to be learned from all of this is the Kerson Law: Politicians should STOP using email.

And while they are at it, start using carrier pigeons for important messages. They also use the airwaves. Semaphore, Aldis lamps and smoke signals are not too bad, either.

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Marvin Kitman
Feb. 7, 2014

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.