The Fat Man’s Swan Song

Chris Christie Strikes Out Swinging

Chris Christie Strikes Out Swinging

The first principle of American political reform movements, which the President-elect Trump presumably will be following, is throwing the rascals out, and bringing new rascals in.

One of the first to go, apparently, is the governor of New Jersey.

On Nov. 10, 2016, a day that will live in infamy as far as the literally tens of us who still care about our boy are concerned.

It was announced that Chris Christie, who had been chairman of the transition team was out, being replaced by Mike Pence.

Even though they said he only had been demoted to vice-chairman, we knew it was a face-saving gesture. Trump was draining the swamp by firing his best bud.

The news hit the country of New Jersey, as Dylan would put it, like the landing of the Martians in Grover’s Mill, N.J. in Orson Welles 1938 reality radio show (“War of the Worlds”).

True, Christie’s approval ratings made him seem even less popular than the mosquitoes (the state’s bird) in our swamp known as the Meadowlands. Still, treating Christie—the best governor we’ve had since Corzine— so shabbily was a slap in the state’s face.

For months our distinguished governor had been humiliating himself going on TV news to apologize for all the seemingly idiotic things the boss was saying. It was a rotten job, but somebody had to do it.

Here was a man who had abandoned his state, with trains crashing, bridges falling down, and rich people fleeing to Florida because of high taxes, to serve as sycophant-in-chief to the most inexperienced, unqualified candidate, the man who was most likely to grab Angela Merkel’s pussy at the next NATO summit.

He was the first governor to endorse Trump—only 16 days after abandoning his own ambition to get to the White House (See “Christie Chronicles,” episodes 1-51, Swallowing his pride is the only thing non-caloric in his diet.

Here he was sitting high in Trump Tower, where on a clear day you can see the George Washington Bridget.

When not dining on the finest fast foods money can buy with His Excellency in the 58th floor palace rooms, with its 24-karat gold bathroom fixtures, decorated in Louis XIV taste that was so Fortunoff’s chic, he was on the 26th floor plotting the transition, moving pieces around, like the draft board at an NFL franchise.

What a job for a public servant like our governor. Imagine, 4,300 positions to be handed out to the faithful. He was the capo di tutti capi, with all the office seekers coming to him hat in hand.

While all about him were thinking it’s a hopeless charade, the transition chairman was rounding up the usual suspects, with some creative twists.

My sources say he had penciled in some names:

Carl Icahn, secretary of the treasury;
Newt Gingrich, either secretary of disinformation, or head of NASA, because of his interest in moon colonization;
Rudy Giuliani, secretary of detention camps and canine training;
Jared Kushner, secretary of real estate development (and special ambassador to the Jewish Community and the Children of Former Convicts);
Eric Trump, secretary of whatever Donald Jr. can’t do.

And then it happened. Without warning, it was all over. It was as if he was being thrown into a landfill like a dead body.

They didn’t even bother stripping off his epaulettes and medals before he was walking the plank, strewn with banana peels.

I tell you it was enough to give Christie-watchers like myself whiplash.

What had made the sky fall in?

There are those who say it was Rudy Giuliani, a leading candidate for Attorney General. He feared Christie, a former Federal prosecutor, wanted the same job. They were both attack dogs. Two attack dogs in an administration is one too many.

My theory is it was the evil son-in-law.

Jared Kushner, the first son-in-law, and his Ivanka visited the Ohel, the Brooklyn gravesite of the venerated Lubavitcher Rebbe Menachem Mendel Schneerson the night before the election to seek guidance and support in the vote.

It was the Rebbe who told him to dump Gov. Wide Load, as he put it.

The act of God also may have had something to do with what Gov. Wide Load did to his father, Charles Kushner, a prominent New Jersey slumlord. Federal prosecutor Christie nailed the real estate executive, philanthropist and Democratic political donor for 18 felonies including illegal campaign contributions and evading taxes. He also poured salt in the wounds by exposing Father Kushner’s hiring a prostitute to entrap his brother- in-law, who was cooperating with the Feds.

Young Kushner’s venerated political philosophy is from the good book of sacred New Jersey wisdom:

Don’t get angry, get even.

And so now our boy won’t be going to the White House after all. He won’t even get a job directing traffic outside with the Capitol Police— a job he is so good at— if young Kushner has his way.

So sad, as Trump might say.



Marvin Kitman
November 14, 2016

Marvin Kitman’s next book is “Chris Christie’s Expense Account.”

Public Domain Photo of the George Washington Bridge by National Park Service Photographer Jack E. Boucher from Wikimedia Commons.