Out to Launch

Chris Christie, “Do these pants make my butt look big?”

First, he was reported missing, according to The New Yorker.

Then he was rumored to have been auctioned off at a fund-raiser for the presumptive nominee.

And there he was appearing on the stage, looking like a Chris Christie bobble head, beside Donaldini, as my computer calls him.

What had they promised our governor to become the first of the party’s leaders to endorse His Hairiness? An honorary doctor of laws degree at the next Trump University commencement?

Then we heard he was heading the transition team for the first Donaldini administration.

Unusual in itself. Putting up a transition team before the nomination is a violation of political etiquette, a gaffe seen as presumptuous. A little like putting the rear end of the donkey or elephant in front of the cart.

Then the word was out that our boy was on the search committee picking the Vice Presidential nominee.

I tell you, we folks in New Jersey were stunned by the rapid rise of the absentee governor of our state on the national political scene.

Some of us at home wondered how he would possibly find the time to handle all these chores in between neglecting his duties at his day job in Trenton.

But Two Ton Christie, as he is known affectionately, throwing his weight around nationally pleased those of his fans glad to see he had found something else to do during the slack time at the governor’s office, seemingly vacant since 2013.

His Rotundity’s most important job, while neglecting New Jersey, is heading the search committee selecting the number two on the Republican ticket.

Among those being considered and seriously discussed is Newt Gingrich.

You remember him, the thrice-divorced family values man who told his second wife she was toast while in the hospital with cancer; the man who favored colonization of the moon, the perfect place to send all the immigrants clamoring to become U.S. citizens? Mexicans and Muslim will be getting fast track preference in the next president’s immigration reform program.

Others being vetted, according to the media, is the search committee’s leader.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the search committee wound up picking Christie. This often happens in the real world. After spending thousands hiring headhunters to study the field of availabilities, search committees often pick its leader as most qualified. Who better, since he set the requirements of what is being looked for? As you may recall, Dick Cheney headed George W. Bush’s vetting team.

And Gov. Wide Load, I predict, will accept the call to perform this latest public service.

A second job won’t cramp his style in Trenton. While already dealing with all the job seekers trying to climb on the Donaldini bandwagon, he has been able to attend to pressing state business. Especially now that he has solved the Transportation Fund bankruptcy problem by shutting down all construction projects, as of July 1.

Who is responsible, anyway, for our bridges falling down and our roads developing potholes a governor could fall in and disappear? Clearly, it is not the governor, but the motorists who are abusing the bridges and roads by using them so much to go to work or shop.

In the few moments he had left in Trenton, His Rotundity further endeared himself to the state’s people by launching a radical new education reform plan. His equal opportunity proposal is based on the formula of stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. All communities, he explains, will share equally in state education money, regardless of need.

The day after launching his Robin Hoodesque plan, he went on the stump to demonstrate his concern about education by meeting with parents at a charter school in Paterson. He bragged there were 1,300 applicants for the 99 slots in the Paterson lottery for that school. When leaving the classroom, 120 students and teachers met him with signs protesting his reform plan. The governor turned to the protestors, as The Record of Hackensack reported, “stood on the edge of his car and blew them kisses, as the crowd’s boos grew louder.”

At least he didn’t moon them.

Being as busy as a one-armed paperhanger multi-tasking has taken its toll. For example, he can’t even remember what happened to his cell phone. The one in use during the GWB scandal. He says he gave it to his lawyers, the folks who at great expense to state taxpayers cleared him of any wrongdoing. His lawyers say they gave it back to him.

Investigators are looking for the cell phone on the theory it might be relevant to who said what and when the morning of the lane closures, an issue in the trial of three of the governor’s closest advisers. As Donaldini Himself remarked during the campaign, it was hard to believe he wouldn’t know what people he eats breakfast with every day were planning to do later in the day.

The mystery of the disappearing cell phone might be resolved by plumbing the depths of where cell phones go to eternal rest in the waters of the Raritan, Passaic, and Hackensack Rivers. Too bad His Immensity did not have an Iphone with the “Find My Phone” feature.

There is still a chance our governor might be indicted before November. But that wouldn’t bother the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, since he himself might be indicted for tax fraud, a possible reason for his reluctance in releasing his tax returns.

A world-class goniff and a Gov. Kristy Crème! What a ticket!



Marvin Kitman
July 5, 2016

Marvin Kitman’s next book is “Chris Christie’s Expense Account.”

Public Domain Photo of the George Washington Bridge by National Park Service Photographer Jack E. Boucher from Wikimedia Commons.