An Essay on What Our Favorite Governor Did on His Spring Break
I still can’t believe it. With a Transit Strike Disaster coming down the tracks, the mother of all commuter chaos the media was reporting, our feckless governor went on vacation with his wife, Pat. You cannot make this up.
All he also missed that week was attending the funeral for State Trooper Sean Cullen, hit on the Turnpike by a car while responding to an accident. That’s perhaps understandable. Funerals are depressing. It’s only the third the governor has had more pressing state business to attend to than pay his respects to one of the State’s Finest.
It was, we assumed, a well-deserved rest from the rigors of also serving as what seemed like the governor of New Hampshire for the last two years, while also running for president, an effort responsible for the loss of his once svelte shape. “No, thanks, I’m on a diet,” doesn’t play well on the campaign trail, which sometimes seems like a test of who can eat the most corndogs.
They told us he went to Florida to celebrate his wedding anniversary. Or to see the Mets. Or both.
The next thing we knew he was sitting on the stage in Hickory, N.C. with his best bud. His Obnoxiousness and our absentee governor were attending a Trump for President rally. It was HUUUUUGE.
The two pols were ensconced in big comfy chairs on stage, like two hefty maharajahs, casting pearls of wisdom at the swine. (I’ll have to check out that Matthew 7:6 line for political correctness).
Our governor was not there to introduce the candidate. He is a man who needs no introduction. His Immensity was playing Larry King in the old days at CNN, throwing whiffle ball questions to a presidential candidate, which slugger Trump hit out of the ballpark.
From time to time, there were other glimpses on the TV news of what our governor was doing on his spring break from Trenton. He was coming down the steps of the Trump Air jet with all the stature of a bellhop carrying bags in a Trump Hotel.
One would like to think Our Boy was serving as a consultant in the Trump campaign, part of his brain trust, so to speak. On “The Morning Joe” show on MSNBC that week, when asked whom he consults, Trump said, “I am speaking with myself because I have a good brain.” That seems to leave out Christie as a consultant.
For some people talking to one’s self is the only intelligent conversation they ever hear. Some of things Trump has been saying lately, such as encouraging violence at rallies, are not the best advice.
What function could our absentee governor serve for his best bud and the possible next president? Well, he could teach him how to lie to the people. Make promises that he can’t keep, like getting Mexico to pay for a wall that will never be built. How to be a braggart and a bully. And in general, telling it like it is.
Come to think of it, his favorite candidate already knows all about those things.
Why exactly is our governor taking time away from his more pressing duties in the state to play the Sancho Panza to Donald Quixote and his impossible dream? It’s a question being asked by members of the Christie Pitchfork Brigade who are losing patience with the game of charades His Enormity is playing in the 2016 presidential campaign.
I brought my own pitchfork in a previous epistle, suggesting that it was time for Gov. Christie to examine his options, given his apparent aversion to staying at home, dealing with the state’s petty problems, such as our bridges falling down, our potholes being unfilled, our budget being unbalanced, our richest tax payers moving to Florida, even though we have the second lowest gas prices in the nation.
RECALL CHRISTIE NOW, some of the disenchanted with the flaming torches argue. That will take too much time.
IMPEACHMENT, which I had advocated in an earlier epistle, is an even lengthier procedure, given the appellate process before the State Supreme Court stacked with Christie appointees.
Tempus fugit, or as we say in New Jersey, fugitabboudit.
Today I am going to go on record suggesting an alternative strategy.
Clearly, Christie is bored with his state job and is playing the toady, angling for a post in the Trump administration –a risky business given the two obstacles of winning an election, and the winner remembering who did what in the early days--or a job in the private sector with a bankrupt Trump business.
As a public service, I am launching a contest with a prize (a weekend at Mar-a-Lago, the Trumpista Winter White House) to the reader who suggests the best private-sector career for Christie. Not simply becoming a partner in one of the semi-crooked law firms in cahoots with real estate developers that the Christie administration serves so nobly.
No, it should be a job so fitting his stature that it should motivate him to resign and collect his reward from Esso, Exxon or whichever other corporate entities his administration’s willful neglect of duties has profited thereof.
Send nominations for the Job Offer He Cannot Refuse to firstname.lastname@example.org.
March 22, 2016