The Decline and Fall of Christiedom

Strange Stagefellows

And so it came to this.

Our esteemed governor—who was only 50 states away from becoming the first New Jersey governor since Woodrow Wilson to serve in the White House –is now serving as the second banana, an Ed McMahon, to the clown-in-chief on the brink of burying the Republican party (1854-2016). R.I.P.

His Rotundity’s debut performance in his new role this week wasn’t HUGE. He stood on the stage of the Gold Room in the presumptive Winter White House–elect (aka Mar-a-Lago), behind the nation’s leading tummler looking like a lox on Zabar’s appetizer counter. In the rare moment when he expressed emotion, he reminded a friend of the look on his dog’s face when she realized that the car ride she’s just been on was to take her to the vet.

Before he had joined the gravediggers, there was a time when we were expecting our governor to yell something in the debates, like “Get the hell off the stage, and go back to your golf courses, you pathetic con man. You’re nothing but a welsher, who stiffs contractors and vendors, just another so-called billionaire who goes bankrupt three times, tells the people they should vote for him because he‘s rich and went to Wharton. Show us your transcript, which proves you took more than two courses, you charlatan dummy asshole!”

Now His Immensity’s famous gut (Pat. Pending) told him to wait a whole two days after his cowardly bug out from the race to endorse the man who is the greatest threat to the nation since Aaron Burr. You may remember the Burr Conspiracy, a plot by the former Vice President (1801-1805) and a treasonous cabal of planters, cabinet officials and army officers to create an independent country in the Southwest, with parts of the Texas territory and some or all of the Louisiana Purchase that he claimed to own. “To farm,” as he explained about his 40,000 acres. It didn’t pan out, any better than the Clownmaster’s plan to build walls, and get rid of all our undocumented.

His Heftiness current candidate of choice wasn’t even supportable by the Koch-eroaches, being a man who Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch couldn’t stomach.

What will our governor do next –make robo calls for the Clown Prince? Do a few lynching jokes, warming up the audience for the Boss at the next KKK rally?

Is this what we had in mind, I ask, while we waited for the governor’s return to his part-time job in Trenton? The time clock records indicate he spent 267 full or partial days out of the state in 2015, and was away for all or part of 38 days so far this year. Not that anybody is counting on his or her fingers, but according to the Newark Star-Ledger it’s been 520 days he has been absent without leave since the beginning of 2013.

It’s not easy running a state with a few phone calls.

Gov. Wideload’s style of governance is not based on the mosquito, the state bird, but the ostrich. Burying his head in the sand has made it possible to ignore such issues as public employees pension obligations, a bankrupt Transportation Fund needed to fix the roads and the 32% of our bridges in danger of falling down.

A local joke, Christie has managed to turn the state into a national joke.

Seven New Jersey papers have already called for Chris Christie to resign. I knew he would refuse, as he did yesterday. He doesn’t want to be remembered as that other New Jersey public official, Richard (I’m No Crook) Nixon.

Some people think New Jersey should follow the path chosen by Michigan in the recall vote next week of Gov. Rick (Poison Water) Snyder. No matter how justified, our governor has a right to a speedy trial. Recalls take too long.

We of the Impeach Christie 2016 movement favor impeachment.

The Assembly has the ability to do the Articles of Impeachment, starting today. As it is written in the State Constitution, impeachment begins in the Assembly, an action requiring a majority of votes by its members, followed by the Senate holding a trial, presided over by the Chief Justice of the State Supreme Court.

The charges? The usual: Corruption, mendacity, pay-for-play, flip-floppage, deadbeat desertion of a desperately needy state, incompetence, sociopathy, rudeness, poor management skills (allegedly not knowing his staff was closing the GWB lanes), double-dipping, absenteeism, abusing expense accounts, over-eating and the deadliest sin of all in the Age of Trumpismo – being a LOSER.

What will really be the killer in the trial, however, is the charge of dereliction to duty since his decision to run for president in 2013, further compounded by dereliction to duty until the GOP convention in June. Now if you think we will be seeing much of the Incredible Bulk, while he takes his spring break, barnstorming with Boss Trump on his way to the Convention, I can sell you the George Washington Bridge.

At least an impeachment trial might get His Corpulence back in the state for a while.

And so it goes.

NOTE: In future epistles, Impeach Christie 2016 will be revealing details of its strategy to rescue the state from Christieism.

In the meanwhile, anyone who supports impeachment should honk his or her horn.

And while you wait, you might want to memorize and sing the Impeach Christie campaign song in the shower or while crossing a bridge that is falling down:

“I don’t want him. You can have him.
He’s too fat for me.
He’s too fat for me.
He’s too fat. Much too fat. He’s too fat for meeee.*”

(*Thanks to Ross MacLean and Arthur Richardson, the “Too Fat Polka” lyric writers, for their contribution to the Impeach Christie 2016 campaign).


Marvin Kitman
March 4, 2016

Marvin Kitman’s next book is “Chris Christie‚Äôs Expense Account.”

Public Domain Photo of the George Washington Bridge by National Park Service Photographer Jack E. Boucher from Wikimedia Commons.