An Important Announcement

Impeach Chris Christie

To whom it may concern:

“Christie for President 2016’ has changed it’s name slightly. It is forthwith known as “Impeach Christie 2016.”

On what grounds?

The usual.

Corruption, mendacity, financial malfeasance, pay-for-play, flip flop-age, deadbeat desertion of a desperately needy state, incompetence, sociopathy, rudeness, poor management skills, double-dipping, absenteeism, abusing expense accounts, over-eating, and worst of all in the Age of Trumpismo— being a LOSER!

This is the same citizens group formerly known as “Christie for President in 2012, 2016, 2024.”

We do not want to seem like sore losers. But the governor has been responsible for deluding the voters one time too many.

We went out on the limb to push for the nomination in 2012, then 2016. And now he has finally broken the limb by his cowardly conduct in the Republican primary, leaving the battlefield after only one skirmish in one of the lesser states, which rarely project a winner.

Our organization was founded on the belief the only way we could get him out of the state was to kick him upstairs to the White House. Let the rest of the nation share our good fortune.

In 2012, Christie could have had the nomination on a silver platter, along with other edibles.

Rudy Giuliani and establishment powers were holding secret meetings in the backroom of the IHOP in Hackensack, raising money and plotting campaign strategy. Christie was deemed to be the man who could save the party from Mitt. The American people, it was believed, would not vote for a baseball glove. Our boy said it was his judgment he wasn’t ready to run for President in 2012 .He trusted in his gut, which was enormous then.

In 2016, his gut told him he was ready. Just another error of judgment in a campaign filled with them.

The first mistake his gut made was telling him the people wanted to hear where he stood on the major issues.

He didn’t realize that was old hat. Nobody wants to read about policy statements. That’s what killed Bobby Jindahl.

Nobody cared anymore about 200-page issue papers, fixing this and that. Just go fix it. They wanted to hear Trump saying, “I’ll fix it. Don’t worry about it. I’ll fix it. I’ll straighten out the VA. I’ll build more hospitals. Immigration? I’ll build a wall, and get Mexico or the Vatican to pay for it.” Or whatever else he could fit in a 30-second sound bite.

No wonder our boy failed to resonate with the voters. Christie came across like a Rhodes scholar, trying to explain the problems, a policy wonk, a nerd.

The governor was an embarrassment in the early debates. At first, he was doing his imitation of the 2012 Mayor Giuliani, who turned those magic numbers 9/11 into verbs, adjectives, nouns, conjunctives, and dangling participles as needed. No problem could not be solved by America’s Governor (Christie) by invoking 9/11 and his federal prosecutor rap.

In between, he stood there like a lump. Looking at him, you wished Joel Cairo (Peter Lorre) would step out of the movie “The Maltese Falcon,” addressing Kasper Guttmann (Sydney Greenstreet) when the bird they have labored so hard to steal turns out to be a phony:

“You… you bungled it. You and your stupid attempt to buy it. Kemedov found out how valuable it was, no wonder we had such an easy time stealing it. You… you imbecile. You bloated idiot. You stupid fathead you.”

And then in the last debate before the New Hampshire primary, our boy finally found his mojo. He diminished Rubio with that Reaganesque “There you go again”-moment. Rubio looked like a deer in the headlights.

And then what did his judgment tell him to do? Just when he was gaining momentum, rising in the polls from 2 to 3%? After two years of neglecting his duties in Trenton, spending 267 days in 2015 in our sister state of New Hampshire, or so it seemed… Basta! So what if in South Carolina as a moderate they considered him a Bolshevik!

The tragedy is that Chris Christie is the only one in the original Magnificent Seventeen who could have dealt with Trump, or at least peeled away the façade. Behind those idiotic facial gestures, there would have been a real idiot. That’s why all the idiots in idiot wing of the party loved him.

Your “Impeach Christie 2016” organization is currently gathering evidence to substantiate all the charges listed in the impeachment case above, which will be documented in future epistles.

No charge will be dismissed ad hoc including the latest allegation that Chris Christie is an illegal alien. “I will be able to obtain documentation from the maternity hospital in Sofia, which will prove he is Bulgarian,” claims a citizen of Hoboken. “As we say in Bulgarian, Khavane praseto! (Catch the pig).”

If true, he never should have been eligible to run for governor in the first place. Seeing his birth certificate should settle this issue.

By every other standard in Christiedom, the governor deserves to be impeached. So help us, the State Legislature.

(To be continued)

  

--
Marvin Kitman
February 19, 2016

Marvin Kitman’s next book is “Chris Christie‚Äôs Expense Account.”

Public Domain Photo of the George Washington Bridge by National Park Service Photographer Jack E. Boucher from Wikimedia Commons.