In God We Trust, But Stormy Passed A Lie Detector Test
We of the “Stormy 4 President in 2020” organization, a non-partisan citizens draft movement dedicated to improving the moral character of the presidency, salute “60 Minutes” and the CBS Fake News network for giving our candidate a forum Sunday night at 7.
Being grilled until done by the Torquemada of the airwaves, Anderson Cooper, this much-maligned misunderstood film star will at last be able to fill in the intimate details of a relationship that has transfixed the nation. Not since JFK and Marilyn Monroe has there been a romance of such wide interest to political news junkies, like myself.
Between those who will be watching the segment because of their interest in the law; family values in the Republican Party; what the film star will be wearing, if anything, and folks who simply need escape from “that Russian thing”--mdash; SO BORRRRRING --mdash; the audience may beat the inaugural speech crowd, using The Official Trump Crowd Estimator metrics (Pat. Pending). HUGE.
Our candidate should not be confused with Karen McDougal or Summer Zervos, among the 20 who ALREADY have accused the president of sexual misbehavior, with a cast of hundreds waiting in the wings. The First Fornicator may be creating a branch of the bar dealing with suits, all of which he denies denies denies.
Our candidate is the original Stormy Daniels, the only one with two names (aka Stephanie Clifford).
You may have seen our candidate’s official campaign photo. Actually there are five or six of them. Her portraits appear as often as the network logos on CNN. They show the new dimensions she will bring to American politics: 42, 26, 34, whatever.
One picture, they say, is worth a 1,675 words today (up from a thousand, due to inflation). And the citizens’’ committee thanks the producers. There is an ambassadorship or two in it, if they keep it up.
There are those who will say we are making a mockery of the office by supporting Stormy Daniels for president. But the current president has already done that.
We have decided to back the Stormy for President candidacy under both names as a matter of principle. There is a proviso in the Constitution which guarantees a porn star can serve as president, if elected, with or without collusion by the Russians, providing the candidate meets the following two criteria: being a native-born citizen and 35.
She is also as inexperienced and unqualified for the highest office in the land, assets popular with a minority of voters in 2016.
Her further qualifications include that she could not possibly be as stupid as the current occupant or resident in the White House.
As evidence of this claim, her speechwriters will cite one example:
In January at a press conference with Norwegian Prime Minister Erna Solberg at the White House, the president lauded the sale of F-52 fighter jets to Norway. It turned out the F-52’s existed only in a 2014 installment of a popular video game “Call to Duty: Advance Warfare.”
This is not a paid commercial for Stormy Daniels and is not the place to tell her inspiring story that, for example, she wasn’t born in a log condo, like POTUS.
Suffice it to say, being an actor in adult films is no more morally incorrect than a reality TV star and a real estate developer gonif.
But we also can say that she is a woman and might be a comfort for those who favor a woman running for a job that traditionally is held by a man, and look what a mess they have made! And she is not Crooked Hillary.
At the same time, she might appeal to the male vote in the base.
Also in her favor she is not currently under investigation for not criticizing Putin, who may or may not have her picture pinned up in the Kremlin.
Let’s just say, she is no girl scout. But she has sat for a lie detector test. According to NBC News, passed it!
As for the campaign appearance on “60 Minutes” Sunday night, what puzzles legal scholars, like myself, the really stupid thing about the First Fornicator trying to shut up our candidate is this:
If Trump, who believes himself to be an Adonis, God’s gift to womankind, did not have a fling with this highly admired porn star why did his lawyer pay her $130,000 to shut her up about a fling that did not happen?
As we know from the Billy Bush “Access Hollywood” tapes, Trump loves to brag about his exploits, the kiss-and-crotch- grab-tell character defect. Go know?
Who will win the best character award The First Fornicator versus the adult film star, who he already is suing for one million per mention of the affair that didn’t happen! The tab is reportedly at $20 million. By the time the “60 Minutes “ segment is over, she will be liable for more than the GNP of some shithole countries.
Who knows what our candidate will be telling the folks at home about our president Sunday night. Is his hands as big as, say, his feet? Is he a transgender? Whatever.
If The Donald is not impeached or institutionalized before 2020, the Republican Party, the party of family values, will remember this shining “60 Minutes” in its nightmares.
March 24, 2018