Friends, followers, and countrymen, lend me your short attention spans.

2014 has been a most successful year. Circulation is up. The column is being seen, if not read, by 1.2 million, up from 928,780 (ABC certification pending).

If you have missed any of “The Marvin Kitman Show” episodes so far, all are accessible at www.marvinkitman.com.

So you still have a chance to catch up with the complete collected 24-part maxi-series “ The Christie Chronicles.” Not to mention “Throw Another Blog on the Fire,” “The Arianna Watch,“ “Citizen Rupert,” “But What do I Know?”, “Port Authority Follies,” and…wait, there’s more… the justly famous “Justaminutemen” bulletins. And more…

The column continues to go boldly where no man has gone before. It will go even further in 2015.

In January, we will be introducing the latest Kitman Industries production, The Hudson River School of Advance Studies. It’s mission: to find solutions to the insoluble problems, of which there are so many plaguing Western civilization.

The first will be a monograph on the 114th Congress, a star –studded all-Republican show, starting Jan. 6.

In the meanwhile, while I still have your attention span, I want to take this opportunity to laud all the unsung heroes who have made these non-blogs a major contribution to thought on the mindless Internet. I salute my reliably informed sources, and my reliably uninformed sources. Also my unreliably uninformed sources. You know who you are.

I want to thank all the slimy miscreants in public life, whose wrong doings, knowingly or unknowingly, have misled the people with their devious practices, while at the same time making the writing so easy and such a pleasure.

No list of offal achievements would be complete without a special nod to my favorite fictitious character in the Bush XLIII administration. Vice Pres. Cheney was incredible playing the red white and blue idiot on all media selling waterboarding as American as apple pie. Despite the slings and arrows of traitorous progressives, he stuck to giving the impression it is no worse than taking a shower with your mouth open.

In a future episode, ”The Marvin Kitman Show” will be urging the old quail hunter personally demonstrate on TV to unpatriotic whiners like myself what sounds like torture could be fun. It will be part of the campaign to make waterboarding an Olympic event, USA competiting against all the other democracies using the information-gathering device.

I want to thank the distinguished governor of the great state of New Jersey for providing so much material for “The Christie Chronicles” this past year. Without his permission, Chris Christie is my nominee for Man of the Year, whatever Time magazine says.

Among other achievements in 2014, besides not running for president, he gave up 100 pounds of flesh –including one of his three chins--sacrificing them in his desire to serve his country as the next president, even though he is not a candidate. Americans have not had a fat man in office since William Howard Taft. And he is no Taft.

Coming attraction: Don’t miss “The Chris Christie Miracle Diet,” exclusively on “The Christie Chronicles.”

Since I realize I am running out of attention span, and lest this starts to sound like an Emmy acceptance speech, I can’t close without thanking our web designer, Bob Orloff, without whom none of this would be possible. His astute knowledge of the public domain art world is awesome, and manages to keep production costs at below the poverty level.

And, finally, a word from our crystal ball forecasting department. As Republican stalwart Tom Dewey, who was elected president by the Chicago Tribune, defeating Harry S. Truman in 1948 first said, “ The future lies ahead of us.” Or maybe it was Yogi Berra. Whatever, it is still true today.

A belated happy new year to all. May your year be even better than the last one.

 

And keep the tweets coming.

--
Marvin Kitman
Jan. 5, 2015

Marvin Kitman was the media critic at Newsday. His column, “The Marvin Kitman Show,” began on Dec. 7, 1969, a day that still lives in infamy, according to network executives. On April 1, 2005, he stepped down from his position of power. As he explained, “Newsday gave me a tryout, and after 35 years we decided it wasn’t working out.” He is the author of nine books.