Third in a series of ruminations on how the pigs are taking over the animal house.

The Battle of the Sexes


The floodgates are open, and our sleazo civilization is up to its neck, drowning in revelations about unacceptable sexual behavior.

In the last two weeks four lawmakers announced sexual allegations forcing them to leave the Congress, the sixth this year. John Conyers Jr. of Michigan…Treat Franks of Arizona…Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania …Joe Barton of Texas…Blake Farenthold of Texas. Can Ruben Kihuen of Nevada next be on the hit parade of predators, tarred by a second shocking and unacceptable allegations of sexual misconduct? Well, they don’t call the distinguished occupants of the House of Representatives members for nothing.

I have long since stopped counting the cases in the higher arts, the cesspool called Harveywood, where an iconic figure like Dustin Hoffman has besmirched the good name of the film capital; the Met, PBS, NPR, the New Yorker, The New Republic; celebrity chefs (Mario Batali), designers (Terry Richardson), and not even the testosterone capital of the modern world, the NFL, has avoided the curse of sexual malpractice (Carolina Panthers’ owner, Jerry Richardson). Will we ever see the light at the end of the tunnel?

As the gorge riseth, and the cast of thousands in the eleven lively arts (expanded from seven with inflation), and famous names jump or are pushed from power by unexpected retirements resigning, taking leaves of absence, being fired, or forced to sit in a corner to think it over for sexual misbehavior, in dark moments like these I often find myself turning to the Bible for moral guidance, succor, and understanding.

In reading the good book the other day I happened to stumble on 2 Samuel 11, New International Version (NIV), which told the story of David and Bathsheba.

As it is written, King David was sunning himself on his roof top, when he spied a neighbor named Bathsheba, the wife of the brave warrior Uriah the Hittite, on an adjoining roof top, taking a shower. He sent his man to invite her over to his penthouse for drinks. It was love at first sight.

As you recall, King David then sent the brave warrior Uriah the Hittite to the front, with instructions that he somehow not return. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

The king marries the widow… And so it goes.

Good Lord, I said unto myself. The man was a sexual predator. It reminded me of the allegations of Salma Hayek was making about experiences with King Harvey in the making of her movie “Frida” or Russell Simmons, accused by nine women of improper sexual misconduct.

Could it be there was nothing new about all the shocking revelations? For all we know, sexual shenanigans have been going on since time immemorial, or the beginning of time, whichever came first?

As my spiritual adviser explained:

“Yea, verily, Brother Marvin, for is it not true that the Devil finds work for idle hands, in this case groping, feeling, grabbing, pinching, etc.”

Is it also a genetic thing? As my wife explains, men are born with two brains.

Men of power, according to the two brain theory, see their opportunities and take them.

As Lord Acton put it in another way, power corrupts.

I may be a cynic, but the miscreants being fired, forced to resign, take an unexplained leave of absence, having their movie or TV series cancelled or otherwise being penalized for their crimes is not enough of a deterrent.

No matter how draconian the punishment, destroyed reputations, loss of jobs, whatever justice being swiftly meted out today by nervous management will not stop obnoxious and evil behavior.

The electric chair and capital punishment in general does not deter criminals.

No matter how many saloons Carrie Nation smashed, or Elliot Ness and his T-men arrested bootleggers and illegal still operators making bathtub gin, Prohibition did not stop the cocktail hour and the thirst for alcohol.

Men who are by nature pigs won’t change, but empowered women brave enough to blow the whistle is a start of a possible revolution in morality.

My wife has suggested an even more effective weapon than going to the media. Women in the work place should be allowed to carry a weapon of self-defense, something like a cattle prod.

The mere knowledge of women packing heat might reduce the numbers. When offended, ZAP!

An even better self-defense strategy might be a license to carry paintball guns. (JT Splatmaster Z2000 Shotguns are on sale $39.99 at Google). A red or yellow badge of cowardice would carry a message around the water cooler.

(To be continued)

Marvin Kitman,
Dec. 19, 2017

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.