Happy Days Are Here Again?

As a leading pundit, a man who has been called the Herodotus of the Trumponian Era punditocracy, one who has written a whole book exhibiting his uncanny skills at prognostication— “Gullible’s Travels,” published by Seven Stories Press, out May 26—may I be the first to congratulate Joe Biden on his huge victory in November. I am going out on the limb here and predicting a landslide win for the former Vice President.

By “landslide” I don’t mean a landslide as defined by President Plump the last time we had a presidential election, meaning winning in 2016 with three million less votes.

Despite a campaign filled with gaffes, stumbles, mind freezes and other senior moments, I am talking about Sleepy Joe coming in with monster numbers, FDR-type landslides, like his victory against the Kansas Republican governor, Alf Landon in 1936 (523-8 on the Electoral College scoreboard).

That is, of course, if there is an election for president in November.

There is an 80 percent chance there will be an election on Nov. 3. Or will the president, as I predict in the last chapter of my book, wake up at 3 AM one fall morning, and announce he is signing an Executive Order, delaying the election. In an avalanche of Twitter messages, where important news appears first, he explains a slight delay is necessary due to threats to our security at the border. Without specifying which one.

And I stand by the prediction.

A senior adviser and a member of the Oval Office brain trust, Jared Kushner, told a reporter last week the president is still exploring his options about the dates. The brightest in the Trump family gang running the country, the man who settled the Palestinian-Israeli crisis, Kushner did not seem to know fixing the dates of a national election is the job of Congress, not the Oval Office, as per the Constitution and tradition. This is not a Banana Republic, as much as it has seemed the last four years.

I further predict that the party behind the Russian Collusion Hoax, the Impeachment Hoax, the current Covid-19 Hoax that will be known in the history books as the Trump Flu— will win a huge victory in the Senate!

It will be a really blue moon in Kentucky for country music and Moscow Mitch fans in the Republican Party this November.

What makes me so sure of these projections?

Well, nobody likes to give away trade secrets. Suffice it to say, it is a gift.

But loyal readers of The Trumponicles familiar with the pundit –in-chief’s record of prescience are not surprised by these gutsy calls.

Like the president, this pundit’s judgments are not based on facts. Like the president, they are based on what his gut tells him.

For four seasons, the American people have had a lot of fun watching the Reality TV show, titled “This Is Your Government,” starring Donald J. Trump as the Acting President. It has performed an important public service. Where would the late night TV hosts have gotten material every night without the president making a fool of himself?

My alimentary canal system of thought tells me the people who have said “Wake me up when it’s over” are now finally waking up.

My conviction is based on the theory the people are not as stupid as they seemed to be since 2016, putting up with the novice president’s incompetence, the firing of the best talent, the mixed messages about making America great, the corruption, the lying, the boasting, the blaming of others for all the mistakes in responding to a public health crisis like a pandemic.

It’s time to give the public what it wants! Cancel the fifth season!

My enemies in the punditocracy will say the secret of my success is to use the technical word, guessing. Blame it on envy, professional jealousy.

Still I would like to apologize for this shameless outbreak of false modesty, plugging the publication of what is, in the style of the president, the greatest Kitman book in history. As I believe it was Herodotus who said, “Every man is his own flack.”


Marvin Kitman,
May 19, 2020

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history. His next book, “Gullible's Travels, A Comical History of the Trump Era,” coming from Seven Stories Press later this month, is now available for pre-order.