How to Save the Republican Party From Donald Duck, Part II
And so here is the way it’s going to go down:
Sick and tired, no longer amused by this Donald Duck cartoon, a scenario written by the Poli-sci faculty at the Trump College of Knowledge, endowed, as it says on the leased door, by Donald Trump Zillionaire….
Worried by the way the party’s laughing stock is rising while its prestige and credibility are declining around the known world…
Appalled by how the open fair democratic political process had dealt them a hand of the least inspiring collection of jokers running for the highest office in the land since the nomination of Alf Landon in 1936…
And with the party on the verge of repurposing that great Cleveland sobriquet “Mistake by the Lake” this summer. …
The party brain trust will repair to a closed doors meeting where decisions traditionally are rendered …
Not in the smoked-filled back rooms at the convention hall. That went out in the 1920s, when the geniuses facing a similar conundrum of poor choices lit their Wheeling stogies, uncorked the Monongahela Valley rye whisky and brought forth Warren Harding… A convivial newspaper publisher who never wanted to be President, Harding only wanted to play poker with his crooked friends in government and shtup his girl friend Nan Britton in the White House cloakroom…
The holy of holies, where major party decisions are now made, is in the Waldorf Towers. The residence of Herbert Hoover, Douglas MacArthur, and other GOP icons, the Waldorf Towers is where they conceived the idea of Dwight Eisenhower for President in 1952, and saved the nation from at least four more years of FDR-type socialism under Adlai Stevenson.
2016 is the Year of the Angry White Man. Hold on to your wallets and eyeglasses if Donald Duck’s support base is denied. Donald Duck is very popular with angry gun supporters, first time political enthusiasts showing up at rallies and lending their passionate support, as Donald Duck continues dropping the code words: Mexico. Immigration. China stealing jobs. A bad president standing in the way of making America great again.
Forget the quaint balloon drop and parade of the sign holders through the aisles. Win or lose, the Donald Duck family conceivably would be firing their guns in celebration or anger at the balloons.
If only there was another Ike to like, a man who could lower the boiling point. Or even a Ulysses S. Grant. Military heroes are always popular in the GOP.
For a while David Petraeus seemed to fit the ticket, before he became a felon. With a cast of thousands, there are no superstars in the military.
The legislative branch is withering on the vine. Speaker Ryan, who is a legend in his own mind, is disliked second only to Cruz..
An alternative to Donald Duck, who is a hair or two of getting the nomination, must be found quickly. If left to its own devices, the convention might by the ninth ballot turn to Herman Cain (“Did I hear nine?”)
The alternative is obvious. If they were smart, they would offer the plum to the man who could unite the fractured and bleeding party: Mitt Romney.
Mitt the twit? The only candidate who is better known as a baseball glove? Are you kidding, Kitman?
Other pundits are saying the Man from Bain Capital’s use-by-date has expired. Carbon 14 would be needed to find him in the public’s eye. And he lost last time! Was Ronald Reagan a fresh face in 1980?
Romney for President in 2016 is not as crazy as it sounds.
First of all, Romney almost won in 2012, if the Chicago thugs hadn’t stolen the election for Obama, as my right wing friends tell me.
Donald Duck proved this year being rich is not a political handicap. Mitt can say “Vote for me because I’m even richer than Donald”— without the baggage of three bankruptcies and nine failing businesses on that four-flusher’s resume.
A big issue in the campaign is going to be foreign affairs. With all Bain Capital’s experience in outsourcing, Mitt knows the territory.
As he was explaining earlier in the campaign, the all-new, more improved, more compassionate Mitt3.0 is now a champion of the middle class. He isn’t only interested in helping his fellow mega-millionaires, but the average ordinary people who had a net worth of one million. They also matter.
He is the best flip-flopper in the party, whose candidates entertain voters by changing positions in every debate. Wasn’t its awesome the way Mitt came out against Obamacare health insurance, even though it was based on Romneycare in Massachussets.
He has learned a lot since 2012. He won’t be giving his dog any free rides on top of his station wagon. Fido will go Fedex.
And he is now an astute politician. He had the good sense to suspend his campaign in the first week, facing the invincible Jeb Bush machine. As the old American folk saying goes, he who runs away, lives to fight another day.
I could go on all night listing Romney’s positives. But I’m running out of ink.
Suffice it to say here, with Donald Duck serving as the captain, and my fellow Republicans arranging the deck chairs on our Titantic as he steers us into the iceberg, Mitt Romney has a better chance of saving he party before it goes glub glub.
May 2, 2016