The Man Who…

The silly season has begun, the quadrennial ritual when Republican candidates begin the race for the roses, the presidential nomination, which often turns into a political freak show. Avowed Not Running Candidates, previously exploring their options and supporters bankrolls, as if having an epiphany, decide they are running, after all.

The first to see the light was Ted Cruz, Canada’s greatest contribution to American civilization since the hockey puck.

But what of the Democrats? As we all wait for the surprise announcement from the Court of Saint Clinton, will the Empress Hillary choose to skip the traditional announcement and go directly to the coronation? As the Greta Garbo of American politics, Hillary’s lips have been sealed about her intentions as the presumptive candidate since 2008.

Is there nobody in the nation’s second favorite political party –as of 2014—with the courage to run for the highest office in the land, with the cojones to tell the empress she has no clothes?

Apparently not.

Sen. Warren, who many would vote for, refuses to run, earning a place in the yellow pages of American political history, testing the old American adage “She who runs away, lives to fight another day.”

Joe Biden is a joke. Is the Democrat cupboard so bare?

Due to the paucity of candidates, I would like to throw a name into the mix, a possible dark horse candidate.

You may remember my candidate. He is a man who had the misfortune to announce his retirement after 16 years anchoring late night news show the same night Brian Williams fell from power at NBC News. It was like the people who chose to die on Pearl Harbor Day or 9/11.

He is a man who would appeal to the kind of folks the Dems need to win –the millennials, many of whom often don’t vote. Like Dracula they come out only at night, think they are being hassled by campaign speeches and commercials, but will listen to my man if he says get out and vote.

He is a man who has the guts to tell Sen. Cruz he is an idiot, he looks and sounds like Sen. McCarthy, so he must be the next Joe McCarthy.

He is the man who will stand up to Jeb Bush and remind him and the nation he grew up in a household where they thought the Bushes won the Iraq War, a house where even his mother didn’t want him to run. They had to promise her another pearl necklace before she claimed him as a favorite son candidate.

He is the man who can call Scott Walker a cheesehead.

He is the man who can address Hillary’s war record, a man who is not cozy with Wall Street and the big banks.

He is not beholden to anyone except for the millions of dedicated followers who counted on his political wisdom and sagacity as the most trusted named in fake news.

Yes, I ‘m talking about Jon Stewart.

He is eminently qualified. Unlike Ted Cruz, Stewart is native born. He is from New Jersey and can’t be all bad. And he’s old enough (On Nov.28, he will be 53 – May we be the first to wish him a happy birthday?), though he sometimes makes silly faces on camera.

He is smart, well informed, having read the books or press releases of the best and brightest on his show.

He is funnier than Joe Biden. But also has a serious side that has mass appeal. Remember the 215,000 who attended the “Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear” in 2010?

The beauty part is my candidate is available. He is currently exploring his options, as they say. “It’s like what they do with a chicken,” he told an interviewer while in his mother’s living room in Teaneck. “Sometimes you make cutlets…sometimes chicken soup.”

What could Stewart do now, anyway? Go to LA? So they will let him make a movie or two. He will live the life of a grapefruit, sitting by his pool in Santa Monica, before he disappears, like many even more talented, into the LaBrea Tar Pits.

Running for President, he will be free to comment on all the insane things going on in the world. He can frame the debate on issues he is passionate about. More than the traditional politicians, he looks at the world awry.

While he waits for a better job offer to come along, he can re-energize a political process that is in danger of withering away, with Republicans dedicated to disenfranchising voters, the majority of whom are Jon’s people.

He will matter!

Is Stewart even a Democrat? Are you kidding? That’s like asking the supposedly apolitical Dwight Eisenhower if he was a Republican.

Call me Boss Kitman, but I think my man has a shot. Maybe not in 2016, but 2020.

If nothing else, Jon Stewart will wake up a campaign that even before it has started is threatening to compile a record number of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’s.

Now I realize Jon will have to talk to his mother in Teaneck first. But I’m hoping he will put his country ahead of the cheap overnight thrill of making just another movie. Or a better chicken soup.

If anyone has a suggestion about somebody better than Elizabeth (the Faint Heart) Warren to run against Empress Hillary, then in the words of my favorite political pundit, Emily Littela, never mind.



Marvin Kitman
March 30, 2015

Marvin Kitman was the media critic at Newsday. His column, “The Marvin Kitman Show,” began on Dec. 7, 1969, a day that still lives in infamy, according to network executives. On April 1, 2005, he stepped down from his position of power. As he explained, “Newsday gave me a tryout, and after 35 years we decided it wasn’t working out.” He is the author of nine books.