Donald Asks for Our Advice, And We Give It to Him
My wife received an email from Donald J. Trump the other day asking her advice about the next debate. “This is your moment to help shape the direction of the presidential race,” the email of Oct. 1, 2016 read. “Carol, I want your honest input. I cannot win this fight alone.”
Naturally, she turned the request over to the pundit-in-residence at our house.
I was the one who urged our Republican candidate to aim his primary campaign at the idiots. There are so many of them, at least one in every village, sometimes more. Going after the idiot vote was the secret of his success so far.
But there I go bragging again.
In consultation with my wife, we sent the following on to the “Trump Preparation Survey”:
The first thing we recommend is the candidate signing himself into a mental institution of his choice. His conduct that last few weeks qualifies him as certifiable.
Failing that, let’s hear more about Miss Brazil, or whatever South of the Trump Wall nation is the room cleaning capital of the world.
We don’t care what your advisers tell you, Donald, we love that smutty stuff. Especially the part about the sex tapes. No matter how grainy the pictures are, or if it doesn’t even exist, bring it on.
If we can find any fault with your campaign so far, it’s the tendency to drop important issues, like Rosy O’Donnell. Is she on the New Miracle Oprah Winfrey Diet that allows you to gain weight no matter how much you eat without even trying? Why can’t all those chubbies be slim like you?
It’s about time you brought up the Clinton’s private life. Her husband, the President Emeritus (Bill Clinton) has an Achilles penis, and the public shouldn’t be allowed to forget it. And you were smart to bring up the loyalty issue.
Not only is she crazy, as you say, and as crooked as the road to the White House, and should be locked up, but she doesn’t stay at home baking chocolate chip cookies, as she told “60 Minutes.” No matter how unsubstantiated and far-fetched or even near-fetched your speeches at rallies are implying that she is a slut, they are you at your most eloquent!
We agree with your most trusted advisers, Rudy and Newt, the marital infidelity issue should not be allowed to lie in the dirty laundry basket of the nation’s history. With the three of you having had nine wives (three each), your team is the regular Dear Abby on the sanctity of marriage.
And why don’t you bring back Monica as one of your supporters. That will get you the dry cleaner vote.
“We’re all in the gutter,” as Oscar Wilde said, “but some of us are looking at the stars.”
The most important thing, Mister Next President, is keep away from all that policy stuff. Borrrrrrrrrring!
Don’t talk about jobsjobsjobs…Illegal immigration….The stupid wars… National security ….
You know, rebuilding the infrastructure, beside the Wall to Nowhere. … Fixing the safety net for the ignorant people who pay taxes… Improving health insurance so one major illness can’t force you into bankruptcy. None of that silly stuff which might resonate with the other 99%!
Just keep calling your unworthy opponent crazy, nutty, should be in prison, is on her death bed in terms of health.
Whatever you do, don’t start telling us the truth about anything. We know you’re brilliant, a genius, a Croesus, everything you touch turns to gold. Don’t become one of those bleeding hearts, wimpy, socialist idealists, the religious fanatics who believe the truth will set you free. Your lies have gotten you where are today. Don’t turn your back on those little critters now.
Furthermore, this would be the perfect time to announce that in the interests of full transparency, and your concern for the less fortunate, you are donating your Twitter account to your favorite charity, the Trump Foundation, and get a tax write off. Not that you need it, since you wont be paying taxes for the next 18 years, as the lying crooked New York Times reported this past weekend.
Our last recommendation: don’t show up for the debate. As you’ve been saying, you won the first debate, whatever the crooked polls say. Quit while you’re ahead.
It is our considered opinion you also should offer to debate Secretary Clinton on Twitter, the trustworthiest form of communication in the civilized world, such as it is. Challenge Hillary the Slut to a battle of tweets that will shape the direction of the presidential race and the nation. The venue will be good for her health, given her lack of stamina.
As I told my wife, there is an ambassadorship in all of this for her once the Trump people read her response to the urgent call. Would she rather go to Antigua or Kabul?
Oct. 4, 2016