America’s Idiot

What this country needs is a good national idiot.

Now I realize there are a lot of idiots in the nation today. Every village has one. Sometimes, two or three. But I’m talking about a real idiot, somebody who can always be counted on to do or say something really idiotic that transcends, resonates and has legs. It would need to be a person whose voice can rise above hamlets, towns, boroughs, subdivisions, gated communities, every burg, crossroads, county seat, congressional district, everywhere in the global village, so to speak. Somebody whose every word is disseminated on TV, which isn’t called the “idiot box” for nothing.

We see them, for example, on reality TV, where people may only act like idiots. On the news, Lou Dobbs sometimes seemed to be a serious idiot when he beats up on Mexicans like a piñata all the time. Sean Hannity appears to be a total idiot when speaking out on domestic and international affairs, but he is too silly.

It needs to be a respected individual who every time his or her mouth is opened, people can say without qualification, “That guy is an absolute idiot.” And not as literary or philosophical as Dostoevsky’s idiot.

The wearing of the title “America’s Idiot” I am proposing here is an honorific, a mantle worn proudly, like America’s poet laureate. It can’t be dispensed lightly.

While listening to Donald Trump throw his hairpiece into the Republican presidential race last week, it occurred to me we have just such a talent in our midst.

As he came down the steps of his log cabin atrium on Park Avenue, a voice within me said, “That’s him! The man I have been searching for, lo, these many years. That man is a congenital idiot, and doesn’t know it.”

I could hear Bert Parks singing, “Here he comes, Myth America,” as he went down the list of reasons why he should be president. Basically, because he is rich and because he is Donald Trump.

As the nitty gritty details of a Trump America unrolled, I found myself thinking, who does his hair? It looks even more presidential than in 2012 and 2008, an idiotic Trump candidacy being a ritual of American democracy.

Without meaning to deprecate other idiots, Trump has what it takes to be America’s Idiot. He is more than over qualified.

There are two kinds of idiots in public life today: blithering idiots and real idiots. Trump is both.

The Donald, as the media perpetuates the self-anointed One’s other title, is first in the number of golf courses owned; first in ruining the Manhattan skyline and blocking other rich people’s view of New Jersey with those Lego-style Trump Towers along the Hudson; first in making a horse’s ass of himself in public.

Idiots are not born; they are made. As I listened to Trump nail down the title of America’s Idiot by revealing the reasons why we should vote for him, the case for his elevation is even more compelling than ever.

Let’s look at his record of achievement. No, I don’t have enough ink. Suffice it to say, he was a leader in making the idiotic notion that Obama was a Muslim born in a foreign country a campaign issue in 2012. If not the founding father of the Birther movement, he was one of its most influential spawn. And when the president was forced to wave the certificate, Trump implied he was nevertheless lying. I was surprised he didn’t demand to see his college transcript and SAT scores.

Only a natural-born idiot could stick by his guns, thus appealing to all the other idiots out there.

On the steps of the atrium, Candidate Trump blathered away with his goofy proposals for making the country great again. Only an idiot, for example, could get away with promising a wall around the Mexican border to keep out all the rapists and criminals. To be fair to The Donald, the media misrepresented what he said. He didn’t say all rapists are Mexican. He just said that all Mexicans are rapists. There’s a big difference.

The thing is he could say any batty thing that comes into his so-called mind –like proposing a 35% tariff surcharge on all American cars outsourced, even though it’s Congress’ job to levy tariffs --because he is an idiot. We give idiots in public life the freedom to appeal to other idiots who may want one of their persuasion as our next president.

Before I go on with this campaign speech supporting Donald Trump for America’s Idiot, I should apologize for denigrating the mentally-challenged by calling Donald Trump an idiot. He may actually be just a moron.

I also want to apologize for possibly being carried away by the excitement of Trump’s third or possibly fourth self-inaugural address. The cheering crowd at Trump Tower made me ready to do the balloon drop in my TV den, even though I knew they were paid volunteers organizing the spontaneous demonstration.

There may be other worthy more compelling nominees for the encomium America’s Idiot. Can anybody tell me of anybody more of an unwitting absolute idiot than Trump? If so, I would quote the respected dean of all the pundits, Emily Littela, and say, “Never mind.”

In the meanwhile, all who agree with me that The Donald is America’s Idiot, raise your hands.

Motion carried.

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Marvin Kitman
June 25, 2015

The writer ran for president in the Republican primaries of 1964. He lost.

 Creative Commons Licensed Photo "Donald Trump Sr. at #FITN in Nashua, NH" by Flickr user Michael Vadon