THE TRUMPIAN JIHAD
All in favor of going to war with Iran, say — quietly to themselves, please, if you are an armchair pacifist — Allahu Akbar! (Donald is Great!).
President Trump is.
He said so in his famous tweet of July 22, 2018.
That was the one in which he responded to threats from Iranian president Hassan Rouhani with the ultimate weapon in his Twitter arsenal: all CAPS.
As he wrote, “NEVER EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.”
It was the mother of all tweets, some tweetologists believe.
For those of us red-blooded, loyal, patriotic neocons and fans of war in the Justaminutemen organization, it was a call to arms.
Truth is, we haven’t had a good war since Grenada.†
This is not the first time we have been at potential war by Twitter under our current commander-in-chief.
He took us to the brink of nuclear destruction with North Korea. Then there was Canada, which threatened our national security because of cheese tariffs. All of NATO and the EU schmucks have been targets in exercises of brinkmanship.
So far he is undefeated in the wars he has waged in his mind, the latest triumph being in the Battle of Helsinki, where he took on the Abominable Snowman, Yeti himself, Vladimir the Terrible.
“We did GREAT,” he explained after meeting the enemy (Putin) and declaring the enemy is us, wringing from him the concession of a White House visit.
There is a pattern here, as they say in the garment center, in the exercise of fakemanship.
The President of Some of the People All the Time will be remembered for what historians may call the Trump Doctrine.
The way the Doctrine works:
- Threaten to beat the crap out of a foreign adversary. Give them fire and fury, whatever hell you can think of.
- Then sit down for a love fest in some romantic locale (Singapore, Helsinki).
- Claim victory, no matter how fleeting and unverifiable.
- Take credit for everything, even at the risk of breaking your hand while congratulating yourself for a job well done.
- Self nominate and reward yourself the Nobel Peace Prize.
The Trumpian two-faced policy, the old two-step dance of bluster and sweet talk walk backs, is now in the preliminary alarming stage in Iran. The Justaminuteman worry he will give the store away when he sits down with the Iranians in Tahiti. Or wherever.
As a president who thinks the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, he may not be familiar with our earlier problems in Messopotamia, as Jon Stewart used to call it in his updates on the wars to bring democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan, now in its 18th year.
Enough of all this wonky talk.
If you believe in the Making America Fake crusade, this is an official invitation to join the Mohammad Mossadegh Brigade, named in honor of the 35th Prime Minister of Iran whose democratically-elected government was overthrown in 1953 by a spontaneous coup organized and directed by those champions of democracy, CIA.
Mossadegh's biggest crime, aside from improving the lot of the average Iranian peasant in the desert with social security and land reforms, was seizing and nationalizing Iran’s oil industry, which especially pained BP.
All loyal neocons and war fans are urged to take down your rusty swords from the attic, saddle up your camels, and follow Donald of Arabia as he sticks his nose in the tents of Messopotamia.
July 31, 2018
† The highlight of the Reagan Administration, going to war with a tiny island (Pop: 93,000) was a foreign policy decision, which may have been formulated in consultation with Nancy’s official White House astrologer’s reading of the stars. Operation Fury, as it was called, hit the Grenadians with Ranger battalions, U.S. Marines, the 82nd Airborne, Army Deltas, Navy SEALS. The goal was to protect the few U.S. citizens studying in the medical school, while overthrowing a new Marxist government.
And we won! Grenada was over in what seemed like minutes (actually four days, Oct 25-9, 1983). But we taught the world not to mess with USA. Some also thought it was a Reagan distraction to take our minds off the killing of our Marines in Lebanon.