Dear friends of revolution, counter-revolutions, secessions and brinksmanship:

My fellow Republicans, who are usually calling for less government, are now blaming the government for not getting more involved, encouraging the Rooskies to invade Crimea. The President is under pressure to do SOMETHING. Well, what should Obama do about Crimea?

Before I go on, I want to correct an error in yesterday’s analysis of the Crimean situation. I called our Republican foreign policy brain trust “idiots.” I would like to apologize to all the idiots out there. Some of our experts are actually morons.

As I see it, the Russian respond only to force. Today I have a few further suggestions our get-tough-with-Putin wing of the party may have omitted in their haste to blame Obama for everything. If these actions don’t stop Putinism, nothing will.

First, we should demand a recount in the referendum the Mad Russian Putin saw as a mandate from the people. There were voting irregularities. For example, there was not a nyet-option on the ballot.

True, the commie-capitalists won the referendum Sunday with 97% of voters pressing the “da” button. What Vlad the Mad should be curious about is the other 3%. Who were they –Trotskyite deviationists, unpatriotic swine in the pay of the West, CIA agents and other fascists? Paranoids like Putin think like that.

There is an old Russian folk saying, “Even paranoids have real enemies.”

He knows something is amiss. Russia, after all, is a master in running free rigged elections, featuring one candidate. Makes it easier for exit polls to project the winners. People don’t have to stay up until the early morning hours waiting for the results to come in from Lower Siberia.

2. Sanctions applied so far are a joke. To get tough with the Rooskies, we should seize the Brooklyn Nets. The plaything of the oligarch Mikhail Prokhorov — not only the tallest NBA owner (6′8″) but also the only one to have made his rubles in nickel, palladium and gold mines, was using slave labor in the Gulag—who allowed him to get his big foot in American sport. And why?

Is American sport to go the way of English Premier League football, where the robber baron Roman Abramovich owns Chelsea and the bloated plutocrat Alisher Usmarov is a major shareholder in Arsenal, as well as Chelsea. Talk about your conflict of interest.

If only Parnell Thomas and his ilk investigating commies subverting American culture would be blowing their whistle today on the Nets as a latent Bolshevik plot!

3. The European Union should be using its muscle to get the International Olympic organization to declare the Sochi winter games, so dear to Putin’s cold Russian heart, null and void. It’s obvious now that Vlad the Bad was using the games as cover for his Crimea caper. The games are supposed to be apolitical.

The grounds? Lack of snow.

All medals need to be returned. I realize this is unfair to the gold, silver, bronze and wooden (NBC’s curling announcers) winners. But, hey, comrades, who says life is to be supposed to be fair?

The 2014 games are to go down in the record books as a dress rehearsal for the real thing that can be rescheduled for whenever Putin withdraws his unmarked troops from Crimea, preferably in a place that actually has snow. Murmansk hasn’t had an Olympics in a long time.

Russians are used to rewriting history. Every time some Politburo bigwig does not appear on the balcony reviewing the troops on May Day the loser is written out of the history books. Sic transit Nikita.

4. If none of this works, the president should explore a way to capture all the flatulence and hot air emitted by the do-gooder wing of the Republican Party, advocating more aggressive actions. By executive order, he could establish a body for freedom fighters to participate in the liberation of illegally annexed Crimea. Modeled after the idealists who went to fight for democracy in the Spanish Civil War (1935-8), named after another American president, the George W. Bush Brigade could enlist all the red blooded, warmongering gung ho Americans of any party persuasion, answering the call to arms under the rubric, “We are all Crimeans.” I can already hear the sabers rattling up in the attics. Our intrepid volunteers will know Vladimir Putin ‘s goal is to become His Imperial Majesty of all the Russias, as the empire’s leader was known at the time of first Crimean War (1854-6). So their work will be cut out for them.

Instead of swords, our neocon freedom fighters might go into battle carrying waterboards.

If all of these somethings fail, the administration might be wise to steal a page from the Russian military play book, a strategy that worked in another critical time in Russian history, during Napoleon’s invasion of 1814.

I learned about it reading “War & Peace” which literary critic Woody Allen’s synopsis in the New Yorker in its entirety explained: “It’s a book about Russia.” Less well known is that Leo Tolstoy also told the story of old Gen. Kutuzov – in real life Field Marshal Mikhail Illarionovich Golenishchev-Kutuzov, one of the finest military officers and diplomats in Russia who served under the reigns of three Romanov Tsars (Catherine II, Paul I and Alexander I). As you recall, he was a fat, lazy, shrewd old man, who’d been called out of retirement to command the Russian army against Napoleon’s invading forces two hundred years ago. His strategy was to wait, let Napoleon destroy himself by venturing too far into that Russian Winter. He even let Napoleon take Moscow. Kutuzov retreated and retreated and waited and waited for the French army to self-destruct. His motto was “Time and patience. Patience and time. An apple should not be plucked while it is green. Patience and time.”

It could be that by acting so rashly without a plan, Putin is playing Napoleon, and has gone too far. Let’s wait and see, tovariches, and heed the wisdom of old Gen. Kutuzov, who knew

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Marvin Kitman
March 19, 2014

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.