A State of the Onion speech, as it is widely called on social media because it makes so many cry, is the traditional opportunity for the chief executive of the nation to lie to the people about past achievements and get ahead start in lying about future promises. SOTUS 2020 will be remembered not only for being a mega-lie-athon, but also for its length and Reality TV showmanship, paying homage to principles that made “Queen for a Day” such an inspirational hit in the last century.

At 78 minutes, it also reminded this loyal, patriotic Registered Republican of those six-hour remarks on the state of his nation by Fidel Castro, one of the few tyrants our Leader of the Free World hasn’t embraced yet because he is dead. True, he was a Communist, but that wouldn’t have been a deterrent judging by the Putin-Trump love affair.

Some disloyal Americans, who should be ashamed of themselves, pled exhaustion from the excitement of the Iowa Caucus the previous night for not watching it. They missed seeing one of the greatest moments in the annals of SOTUS oratory: Crazy Nancy Pelosi ripping up her copy of the official script. “That was not a State of the Union, that was a state of his mind,” Nervous Nancy said about the brainless president.

A more moderate form of protest against the chief of state was demonstrated by a woman I know who watched SOTUS in its entirety on MSNBC and kept the mute button on. Even more effective is watching it with both the sound and picture off. The president’s hand gestures can be harmful.

What I do to protect myself, while fulfilling my duty as a citizen by listening to what the president has to say, is assume everything in the speech is a lie. Without bothering to fact-check the president ‘s previous lies in speeches and Twitter writings, 97.5% of the time I am right. No system is perfect.

But there I go bragging like the president.

Those who boycotted the speech, a goodly number judging by its scoring the lowest TV ratings for a SOTUS in the history of the Trump administration, missed hearing the president promising to protect Second Amendment rights, never in danger, and his passionate defense of health care, which he is trying to kill with the repeal of Obamacare. Also ever popular falsehoods about U.S. energy supremacy, distortions about his predecessor’s record on the economy, inflating manufacturing gains, migrant detention policies, and protecting people with pre-existing medical problems.

He also found time between the lies to extol his achievements in office.

In only three and a half years the Panderer-in-Chief is first in sexual assault, first in mocking the disabled, first in tearing a child away from a parent, first in paying off porn stars, first in insulting a gold star mother, first in calling Nazis fine people, first in stealing from a charity in his own name, first in starting a fake university and cheating its students of borrowed tuition money.

Not to mention being first in corrupting the youth of the nation, teaching them that lying is not as bad as it’s always been cracked up to be.

What impressed me most about President Four More Years appearance in the House of Representatives on this SOTUS night (2/4/20) is the remarkable restraint he showed by not bragging about how he had beat the rap in the so-called “impeachment trial.” Despite his being guilty of the two articles of impeachment, as he proudly says of doing nothing wrong, no crime, he did not rub his enemies faces in it that night.

Kudos to him for waiting until the next day to launch his victory revenge tour. His post-SOTUS performance in the White House was stunning, naming names of all the horrible, evil, really evil people with different opinions, including the “top scum” of the FBI.

He can now use anti-tank Javelin missiles against the socialists who have been out to get him since a minority of Some of the people elected a President for All the Time. If he wanted to! The Constitution gives him that power (Article II, Section 2) to do whatever he wants.

In all modesty, he did not take credit for his greatest achievement in the greatest administration in our history. I’m speaking of his destruction of the tripartite system of governance, the checks and balances of three bodies (legislative, judicial and executive departments) that the founding fathers thought would protect us from a tyrant-in-chief. Well, they were wrong. It only worked for 231 years.


Marvin Kitman, Fifth Columnist
Feb. 7, 2020

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history. His next book, “Gullible's Travels, A Comical History of the Trump Era,” coming from Seven Stories Press May 5, 2020, is now available for pre-order.