RAND & MCNALLY & TRUMP
Much was made this week of the president congratulating the great state of Kansas for its football team’s performance in the Super Bowl. As Claire McCaskill, the ex-Senator and current hatchet woman on the socialist cable news network MSNBC explained in a Tweet: “MISSOURI, you stone cold idiot.”
Even “Fox & Friends” Savonarola Steve Doocy noticed the error. Apparently, the Chiefs have been in the great state of Missouri at least since 1963. Breaking out the presidential Sharpie Rand & McNally & Trump map couldn’t get the Chiefs to play a game in Kansas.
This is not the first time the president demonstrated his geography chops.
He is the first president to refer to Belgium as “a beautiful city.” To declare Ireland is in the U.K. To not seem to know the difference between the Baltic States and the Balkans, mixing the two entities while trashing the leaders of Lithuania, Estonia and Latvia. He thought “Nipple” and “Button” were in India, not the separate countries of Nepal and Bhutan. He also was the first president to tell the Prime Minister of India his country was lucky it didn’t have China on its border (India has a 2,520 mile border with China).
And geography nerds still remember his writing on Twitter about the beautiful border wall being built between Colorado and Mexico.
What the quick-to-find-fault intellectual snobs who probably can find the Ukraine on a map don’t understand is that the president’s brain is missing.
A usually reliably informed source explained it went missing the day he finished reading his Inaugural Address of 2017, an event which he mistakenly said drew the largest audience in the history of Inaugural Addresses.
Every morning around 3 AM, as the President clicks on his Twitter feed, according to the informed source, his brain mysteriously flies out a window in the White House East Wing. It has been sighted flying over the Washington Monument, making a right turn at the FBI Building, before heading East by Northwest across the river over the CIA headquarters in Langley, and was last seen heading towards Moscow.
There have been sightings of strange objects in the skies over Washington. Like UFO’s, the government has suppressed them for fear of alarming the public.
A similar circumstance happened during the Reagan administration. The business of government under President Reagan, the first actor, who thought he was spending eight years on location making a movie, was conducted by Attorney General Meese, aided by First Lady Nancy and her super star Hollywood astrologist.
There is no doubt a brain is useful for a president in the performance of duties, next to fingers needed for announcing policies on his Twitter feed. As it has been said by another iconic American: *
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That Feeling When You Have a Feeling You're Not in Kansas Anymore |
In this brainless president’s case, he had switched to making decisions, as he explained, through his gut. He is happy now as a clam, he says, being his true self, having fired all of his smartest advisers.
Significantly, the White House still has neither confirmed nor denied the loss of this national treasure.
The missing Trump brain, sources say, is currently on exhibit in the Moscow State Museum’s Hall of Heroes, ensconced in a glass case along with Khrushchev’s other shoe that he banged on the rostrum at he UN during the Cuban missile crisis, Stalin’s mustache, and the ice pick that settled the doctrinal dispute between Trotsky and Lenin in Mexico City.
Reminiscent of those visiting the body of Lenin, long lines of local democracy fans are said to be paying homage to the man who is idolized as the Muscovite Candidate in the 2016 election, and for his achievement of making Russia great again.
Recipient of The Order of Honor, one of Russia’s highest civilian awards, the president’s brain, sources say, will be making an appearance on the Politburo balcony during the next May Day Parade in Red Square. The Putin-Trumpskaya Mutual Admiration Society is also sponsoring a parade in honor of the president’s gray matter, knowing through KGB intelligence of his love of parades.
While all of this was happening, there was talk among White House staff of mounting an urgent search operation for the President’s missing brain, but the idea was dropped. The consensus was that since no one had noticed any difference in the President’s mental powers, rather than causing a nationwide panic the White House staff would do nothing and hope that whoever reponsible will eventually state their demands, if any, or simply return the missing object to its owner.
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Marvin Kitman,
Feb. 4, 2020
* Dorothy Gale of Kansas, USA to the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.