HUZZAH, HUZZAH, HUZZAH

Author and Former Presidential Candidate Marvin Kitman, PFC (Ret.) Addressing the Coffee House Club of New York, June 27, 2018 (Artist’s Conception).

The following is a transcript of the traditional July 4th oration, delivered this year at the Coffee House Club of New York on June 27, 2018. The speaker, who was introduced as the only living co-author of George Washington — copies of “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington & Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) are on sale after the talk. He is also a Registered Republican and a former presidential candidate. He ran as a Lincoln Republican in 1964. He lost.


I’M USUALLY A MAN WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION… BUT THAT WAS MARVELOUS, FRANCES…

I CANT WAIT TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY …

IN THE FEW MOMENTS, I HAVE LEFT, BEFORE I TAKE QUESTIONS…

WELCOME, FELLOW PATRIOTS, LOVERS OF DEMOCRACY, TRUTH, HONESTY AND THE AMERICAN SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT… USA USA…WHATEVER…

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO LISTEN TO MY ANNUAL FOURTH OF JULY ADDRESS…

WHICH ONCE AGAIN ASKS THE QUESTION:

WAS THE REVOLUTION PREMATURE?

WERE WE READY FOR SELF-GOVERNMENT IN 1776????

AND ARE WE READY FOR IT TODAY????

THE SIMPLE ANSWER TO THESE MULTIPART COMPLEX QUESTIONS IS…

NO.

FOR EVIDENCE I CITE TWO WORDS… ONE OF WHICH IS DONALD.

IN ORDER TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, LET’S CALL HIM PRESIDENT PLUMP…

IN RECOGNITION OF HIS GROWTH IN STATURE… AND SUIT SIZE… AND OUR CONCERN ABOUT OBESITY, A SCOURGE AFFECTING MANY OF OUR CITIZENS, REGARDLESS OF PARTY AFFILIATION, THE PRESIDENT MIGHT BE DECLARED A PUBLIC HEALTH ISSUE…

HIS DOCTOR SAYS HE IS AS HEALTHY AS AN OX...SO HEALTHY HE CAN LIVE 300 YEARS. OR MAYBE THAT WAS 200 YEARS… WHATEVER… HIS PREVIOUS PHYSICIAN SAID ALL HIS STATEMENTS TO THE PRESS ABOUT THE PRESIDENT’S HEALTH WERE DICTATED BY THE PRESIDENT.…

PRESIDENT PLUMP IS MORE AND MORE RESEMBLING THE INCREDIBLE BULK, THE FORMER GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF NEW JERSEY, CHRIS CHRISTIE….

BUT I DIGRESS.

IN ONLY 242 YEARS… OUR CURRENT SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT HAS GIVEN US A LEADER WHO IS A JUVENILE DELINQUENT, TRUST FUND BABY… ALSO A MISOGYNIST, A BIGOT, A RACIST, A FAT SLOB OF LIMITED INTELLIGENCE, WITH AN IQ IN HIGH TWO FIGURES WHO IS GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD’S BEST DEMOCRACY…

AND THOSE ARE THE GOOD THINGS THAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT HIM…

HE IS A MAN WHO IS CONSIDERED BY 34.9 PERCENT OF OUR PEOPLE THE GREATEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO WESTERN CIVILIZATION SINCE THE INVENTION OF SLICED BREAD…

A MAN WHO HAS INTRODUCED THE LIE… AS THE MOST TRUSTED FORM OF COMMUNICATION.

HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN THE PRESIDENT IS LYING?

SCHOLARS SAY, IF HIS MOUTH IS OPEN, IT CAN BE ASSUMED HE IS LYING.

ALL POLITICIANS MAKE INACCURATE STATEMENTS, OR LIE, SOME OF THE TIME—THAT’S WHAT CAMPAIGN PROMISES ARE ABOUT—BUT NO POLITICIAN HAS TOLD 6.9 LIES PER DAY IN HIS FIRST 500 DAYS IN OFFICE, ACCORDING TO MY FAVORITE SOURCE OF FAKE NEWS, THE WASHINGTON POST. HE MADE 103 FALSE CLAIMS LAST WEEK, SHATTERING HIS PREVIOUS DISHONESTY RECORD, ACCORDING TO THE TORONTO STAR.

BUT THERE I GO TALKING ABOUT HIS ACHIEVEMENTS AGAIN…

TO FURTHER PROVE MY THESIS …THAT WE ARE NOT READY FOR SELF-GOVERNMENT, I CITE THE WORDS OF A FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, AL SMITH, WHO FIRST SAID ON WHAT WAS SOMETHING, INVENTED EVEN BEFORE TWITTER ... THE RAAADIO:

“LET’S LOOK AT THE RECORD”…

WE HAVE GONE FROM GEORGE WASHINGTON… MY CO-AUTHOR…ADAMS, JEFFERSON, MADISON …

LET ME CHECK MY NOTES HERE…

TO RICHARD (I’M NO CROOK) NIXON, WHOSE VICE PRESIDENT WAS INDICTED AND JAILED... SPIRO AGNEW… LEST WE FORGET THAT NATTERING NABOB OF NEGATIVITY…

TO GERALD FORD, WHOSE MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT IN OFFICE WAS PARDONING TRICKY DICK NIXON…

TO THE SAINTED RONALD REAGAN, THE FIRST ACTOR, WHO THOUGHT HE WAS IN A MOVIE, SPENDING EIGHT YEARS ON LOCATION IN THE WHITE HOUSE…

TO THE BUSHES… THE FIRST OF WHOM HAD NO IDEA OLLIE NORTH WAS IN THE BASEMENT OF HIS WHITE HOUSE, MAKING DEALS WITH THE IRANIANS AND OVERTHROWING CENTRAL AMERICAN REPUBLICS IN THE NAME OF THAT GREAT DEMOCRATIC INSTIUTION, CIA… OR SO HE SAID AT THE IRAN-CONTRA HEARINGS…

AND BUSH TWO…ALSO KNOWN AS THE IDIOT SON …WHO LIED ABOUT WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, AND GAVE US THE IRAQ WAR, NOW IN ITS 17TH YEAR, WHICH SHOULD END IN 100 YEARS OR SO.

TO THE CURRENT PRESIDENT PLUMP…

WHO HAS MADE AN ART FORM OUT OF WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRACTION...WITH HIS TWO NOT SO SECRET BIG WMDS…TWITTER AND HIS BIG MOUTH…

HE HAS BROUGHT US TO THE BRINK OF WAR WITH CANADA, ATTACKING OUR ALLIES, WHILE BEING KIND TO OUR ENEMIES.

HIS BROROMANCE WITH VLADIMIR THE GREAT IS ONE OF THE MOST HEART-WARMING LOVE STORIES OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY.

ONE WOULD THINK HE HAD SOMETHING TO HIDE FROM MUELLER’S INVESTIGATON OF POSSIBLE UNAMERICAN ACTIVITIES SUCH AS COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA… BEHIND HIS STRANGE ECONOMIC WARS ON CANADA, MEXICO, THE EUROPEAN UNION AND JUST ABOUT EVERY FRIENDLY NATION… WITH THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION OF THE MALDIVES ISLANDS.

FORTUNATELY, AS HE HAS SAID OFTEN, NYET COLLUSION.

IS ALL OF THIS PROGRESS, I ASK YOU?

TRADITIONALLY, PROGRESS MEANS GOING FORWARD.

CORRECT ME IF I’M WRONG … BUT THIS SEEMS LIKE WE ARE GOING BACKWARDS…

SOME OF YOU MAY BE WORRIED PRESIDENT PLUMP…THE MOST INXPERIENCED AND UNQUALIFIED LEADER IN OUR 245 YEAR HISTORY… MAY BE A MUSSOLINI WITH THAT JUTTING JAW LIKE IL DUCE ON THE BALCONY OR THE CROSSED ARMS BODY LANGUAGE WHEN BEING CRITICIZED.

OR A HITLER AT HIS NUREMBERG- STYLE CAMPAIGN RALLIES WITH HIS FOLLOWERS SCREAMING, “LOCK HER UP”…

OR EVEN A COMMUNIST SPY, THE MUSCOVITE CANDIDATE IN 2016, PLANTED AND CONTROLLED BY THE SPYMASTER EX-KGB KILLER PUTIN. WILL WE LEARN SOME DAY THAT HE WAS KNOWN IN THE POLITBURO AS AGENT ORANGE?

PERSONALLY, I WORRY ABOUT THE MONARCHIST THREAT… THE MONRACHIST UNDERGROUND MOVEMENT THAT IS SEEKING TO UNDERMINE OUR DEMOCRATIC FORM OF GOVERNMENT.

WE SEE AN OUTBREAK OF MONARCHIST SENTIMENT EVERY TIME THERE IS A ROYAL WEDDING.

IT WAS APPALLING TO LISTEN TO 15 CONSECUTIVE HOURS OF WEDDING COVERAGE BY CBS NEWS... SLOBBERING FAWNING BIASED REPORTING ON THE NUPTIALS OF A SIXTH- IN- LINE PRETENDER TO THE CROWN. MONARCHIST CLAPTRAP. DISGUSTING.

YOU COULD HEAR PAUL REVERE TELLING THE NATION…”THE BRITISH ARE COMING THE BRITISH ARE COMING”… ALTHOUGH SOME OF US MAY HAVE HEARD “THE YIDDISH ARE COMING…” THE ANTI SEMANTICS IN THE AUDIENCE …

THE MONARCHIST PLOT BEGAN TAKING OVER OUR PUBLIC TELEVISISON IN THE 1970’S WITH ALL THAT ROYAL PROPAGANDA ON MASTERPIECE THEATRE.

WHO AMONGST US DIDN’T FEEL LIKE STANDING UP AND SALUTING AS THE EMPIRE FLAG UNFURLED WITH THE INTONING OF “THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM BROUGHT TO YOU BY A GRAWNT FROM”… ”

THE EFFENDI AT MOBIL OIL WON THE HEARTS OF THE OPINION LEADERS AT PBS (THE PETROLEUM BROADCASTING SYSTEM).

EXCUSE ME FOR BEING SO PARANOID… BUT EVEN PARANOIDS CAN HAVE REAL ENEMIES

BUT I DIGRESS AGAIN…

BY READING MY TWO HIGHLY PRAISED VOLUMES ON THE MAKING OF OUR COUNTRY YOU WILL LEARN THAT OUR REVOLUTION WAS NOT EXACTLY A POPULAR UPRISING OF THE MASSES…

AS JOHN ADAMS WORRIED, ONE THIRD OF THE PEOPLE WERE FOR IT... ONE THIRD AGAINST... ONE THIRD DIDN’T CARE OR DIDN’T KNOW…

A BUNCH OF HOTHEADS MADE THE REVOLUTION. THE LAWYERS… THE REAL ESTATE DEVELOPERS… THE KUSHNERS OF THE DAY…THE 1% RICH, FOLKS LIKE JOHN HANCOCK, THE NOTED TEA SMUGGLER.

THE REASON FOR THAT BOSTON TEA PARTY WAS NOT SO MUCH THE PROTEST AGAINST THE KING’S REPRESSIVE TAX POLICIES.

ASK THE PEOPLE OF MANACHESTER ABOUT THAT “NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION” BALONEY. I MEAN WITH THE ROTTEN BOROUGH SYSTEM IN PARLIAMENT? FEW OF THE BRITS WERE REPRESENTED…

IT HAPPENED THAT HANCOCK’S WAREHOUSES WERE FILLED WITH TEA. TWINING’S OF LONDON … MASTER TEA MERCHANTS BY APPOINTEMNT TO THE KING SINCE 1706… HAD BEEN DUMPING OLD TEA ON THE COLONIES.... SO THOSE SO -CALLED NATÏVE AMERICAN MOHAWKS WERE GOOD FOR THE TEA BUSINESS, CREATING A DEMAND BY THE CUPPA COLONISTS HANCOCK WAS HAPPY TO FILL WITH HIS STALE TEA.

IF ANYTHING, THE COMMON PEOPLE SIDED WITH THE KING.

HE PROTECTED THEM FROM THE LAWYERS AND THE LANDLORDS…

I BETTER STOP THIS BEFORE BEING ACCUSED OF TREASON…

I PROMISED TO TAKE QUESTIONS...IF THEY ARE NOT TOO HARD.

AND… BEFORE I FORGET, THE GENERAL ASKED ME TO MENTION, A FEW COPIES OF HIS BEST WORK… THE “EXPENSE ACCOUNT”… REMAIN AVAILABLE FOR SALE. NO CONTINENTAL DOLLARS ACCEPTED.

30


 

--
Marvin Kitman,
July 2, 2018
 

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.